The depression I’ve been suffering from these past few days has only been getting worse. I even skipped half of my usual waffles-and-Mystery Science Theatre 3000 Thanksgiving tradition today, just eating the waffles and generally moping around the house. Things have gotten bad enough that I notice myself slipping back into some of the old, destructive behaviours I thought I’d gotten over in recent years. I suppose things aren’t so bad right now because I can distract myself with the Red Wings game on my television right now, and I was playing video games earlier to take my mind off of my problems, but when the hockey game is over tonight I have a feeling that I’m going to slip right back into a very deep funk.
There are far too many contributing factors to this recent bad spell for me, but one of the underlying themes that has come up is a kind of juvenile sense of not being rewarded for doing the right things. When I was very young I was always getting into all kinds of trouble, and I frequently acted out and misbehaved as a way of getting attention. Threads of that behaviour trailed well into my adult life, and I wouldn’t be honest if I said I’ve totally eradicated them, but as I’ve grown older I’ve put in more and more of an effort to be a better person. In addition to just the overriding theme of acting in good conscience, I try to have that spirit carry through to all the small things in life I do like adhere to all the rules of the road when I’m driving, holding doors open for people wherever I go, and the like.
Unfortunately, and I don’t know if this really is happening more or if I’m just noticing it more because I’m in such a bad mood right now (probably a little of both), but more than ever it just seems like being the good person is costing me. Everywhere I look, it seems like the people who break the rules, who act selfishly, who don’t care who or what they hurt by acting in their own self-interest, are getting what they want, while I keep getting the short end of the stick. I know that this sounds childish, and I know that being the better person is supposed to be its own reward and all of that, but at times like this it just seems hopeless to keep trying.
I know that I can’t be the only one out there right now who is feeling like this, so in keeping with the theme of the holiday, I would just like to say, to all of the rest of you out there who always try to act for the greater good, who follow all the rules even when they work to your detriment, who make every effort not to give in to selfish, destructive thinking (even though you may not always succeed in doing so) … to you, I say thank you. Perhaps I may not have directly benefited from your kindnesses, but I’d like to think the act of being kind and responsible helps the world, intangibly, as a whole. I appreciate the efforts you put in to make the world a better place, and I can only hope that others are appreciative of my efforts as well.