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Up until a month ago, Jewel defined herself as a "social smoker"; she had the odd cigarette when she was drinking at the various lesbian bars that made up Buffalo's "Lavender Square", but didn't care to smoke otherwise. Now a Camel 100 from the carton she bought yesterday was burning brightly in her right hand. She'd never understood why her co-workers complained about having to go outside to smoke, but making the trek back up those flights of stairs to Hellrising Comics's fourth-floor office winded Jewel every time. With her pale skin, long black hair, vintage Depeche Mode t-shirt and cigarette, Jewel knew she looked like a typical twenty-something goth bumming on the street. Nobody could know from looking at her that she had a good job and an apartment of her own, and Jewel liked it that way; when people don't expect shit out of you, Jewel reasoned, every good thing you do just makes them all the more impressed.
Jewel didn't know why she'd started smoking so much. She wasn't even getting buzzed from the nicotine any more. As Jewel brought her cigarette back up to her lips, she took a moment to look around. There were a couple of guys in coats and ties outside the office building with cigarettes in their hands; Jewel surmised they worked in other offices, but she didn't want to speak with them. Occasionally there was a short redhead girl who came out to smoke, and Jewel thought she looked kind of attractive, but never bothered to try starting a conversation with her. Jewel glanced at the pawnbroker across the street, and saw that a bum had curled up in the alley between the pawnbroker and the flower shop. A few months ago, the police had made a crack bust in the alleyway. About twenty shots were fired, but somehow Hellrising's office building never got hit. The brick office buildings, the signs in front of the stores that hadn't changed in decades, the cracking sidewalks, it was all bland and bleak. But it was Buffalo. And for Jewel, it was home.
I need a girlfriend, Jewel thought, as she blew out another bitter cloud of smoke. Ever since she moved to Buffalo three springs ago, she'd been a semi-regular at the lesbian bars downtown, and occasionally hit a gay men's bar where she knew the bulldykes liked to hang out. In all that time, though, she'd never had a serious girlfriend, and now even one-night-stands were hard to come by. Jewel had bought everything she could think of to satisfy herself softcore lesbian porn, hardcore lesbian porn, vibrators, dildos but they just weren't the same. Jewel thought it was just sex she missed, but she could feel something deep inside her that told her she missed companionship. She took one last, long drag on her cigarette, before going back into the office building.
Jewel sat at her desk for a second to catch her breath, winded from the combination of smoking and walking up so many steps. When she stopped hearing her heart beating in her ears, she swallowed the last ounces of that morning's Frappucino in long gulps before going back to her work. She'd left about four pages of the next Morrigan at her station before her cigarette break, and she hoped to get them all inked before lunch, even if it would be a stretch. Grabbing a 0.3mm Rapidograph pen from the rolling cart next to her station, she started outlining Morrigan's face in thin, crisp lines, catching every detail of glee on her face as she bit into the neck of an old British police officer.
As Jewel neared the end of the first page, she heard a bit of commotion above the Mindless Self-Indulgence CD blasting from the office stereo. She thought she heard someone chortling and wondered what was so funny. Jewel went back to drawing a pile of lurid viscera, but the laughing only got louder. She realized why everyone could be laughing, but she tried to put that thought out of her head as she kept inking.
Becca, the secretary, came up behind Jewel's station and placed a mug full of golden flowers beside on the table. Jewel slammed her eyes shut. For the past four weeks, she'd been getting flowers delivered to her at work, and she had no idea who they were from; everyone in the office teased her about having a "secret admirer", but she didn't want a secret admirer; no one in the office knew she was a lesbian, and she wanted to keep it that way. Feeling a wave of nausea crashing against her stomach, Jewel reached up and read the attached note:
"The beauty of flowers lie in their simplicity. They need do nothing but be themselves to cheer people up."
The message was as cryptic as the ones that came with the earlier flowers. Jewel looked up to see everyone staring at her with silly grins on their faces, stopping their work just to enjoy whatever humour they were finding in this. She had tried to figure out who could be behind the flowers before, but she realized she didn't care who was doing it; it was just pissing her off. And everyone giggling about the flowers only made it worse.
"I need a cigarette," Jewel mumbled, as she grabbed her purse and power-walked out of the office.
Once outside, Jewel reached down into her purse to get her cigarettes and lighter, but felt something in her hand. She glanced at it quickly, and realized it was the note that came with the flowers. She'd meant to throw it away, like she had the previous notes, but somehow she forgot to pitch the note as she stormed out of the office. Jewel's sense of civic duty prevented her from tossing the note on the sidewalk, so she jammed it into her purse before she lit up. As she put her lighter back into her purse and closed it, she drew smoke into her lungs deeper than she ever had before, hoping the nicotine would soothe her anger at the whole mess with the flowers. It didn't work.
"Son-of-a-bitch!" Jewel turned to see who spat those words. The redhead Jewel had seen on her cigarette breaks was walking down the street with her back turned to Jewel. The woman turned around and started walking back towards Jewel, and Jewel could see that the woman had a long, thin cigarette in her left hand. Jewel noticed how the woman's hair was a deep, dark red, almost like cherry wood, and her chest was almost unnaturally big; Jewel liked big breasts, but this woman's chest just seemed to big too be natural, and Jewel hated women who got boob jobs.
The woman reached into the pocket of her jeans and pulled out a note, squinting at it as she got closer to Jewel. Jewel was startled as she saw that the note was the same size and colour as the one Jewel got with her flowers. The woman stopped just in front of Jewel and glared at her. "What?" Somehow the woman managed to spit the word out and yet say it with a decadent, heavenly voice.
Jewel reached up and putting a finger to the woman's note without consciously commanding her muscles to do so. "Oh," the woman said, "I don't know what the fuck this is about, but this is the fourth fucking week in a row this guy's been doing this." The woman turned the note towards Jewel so she could read it:
"Flowers are bountiful. Flowers are beauty. Beauty is bountiful."
Jewel's felt her heart tighten. She reached into her purse and pulled that morning's note out from behind her pack of Camels. Jewel held it in front of the woman. "You too?" Jewel asked.
The woman glanced at the note for a second. "Christ, not another one?"
"You got any idea what this is about?" Jewel hoped that the woman had answers.
"No clue. All I know is that there are three of us, all on the second floor, and we keep getting flowers every week with these creepy messages. Maybe it's a janitor or mailman or something, I don't know."
"Wait, I'm up on the fourth floor."
The woman's eyes widened. Jewel realized that if her hair was the colour of cherry wood, then her eyes were the richest oak Jewel had ever seen. Jesus, she's beautiful, Jewel thought. Not skinny, but she's got curves where women are supposed to have curves. Jewel knew that it wasn't just her frustrations making her look at the woman with kindness; this woman was the kind of natural beauty that the old masters Jewel had studied at Sarah Lawrence could only hope to paint.
"Fourth floor? Then maybe this guy's hitting the whole damn building." Jewel realized she had been ogling the woman, and stopped. The woman offered her right hand to Jewel. "I'm Christina. I'm a secretary for Dewey and Associates."
It took Jewel a second to clasp Christina's hand in her own and shake it. "I'm Jewel, I work for Hellrising."
"The comic place? Wow. I wish I could do stuff like that." Jewel felt her heart liquefy as Christina smiled for the first time, a smile that called even more attention to Christina's high cheekbones and the slightest patina of freckles on them. "Well, I gotta go tell the other girls about this." Christina took a long drag on her cigarette, then tossed it out into the street. "It was nice talking with you, Jewel. Keep in touch."
"Nice ,,, meeting ,,, you." Jewel watched as Christina's lush hair bounced up and down with every step she took towards the door in front of the office building. For the first time in a while, longer than she could remember, Jewel could feel her heart melting. She wasn't just lusting after Christina, but felt like she was falling in love. She watched Christina open the front door of the office building, as the clouds overhead parted long enough to let a sunbeam catch the glass of the door, and the silver band on Christina's left ring finger.
Jewel felt her heart sink. It would've been bad enough if Christina were straight, but if she were straight and married ... she probably wouldn't be interested in her. Jewel turned around, and the bum across the street, now awake, waved to Jewel. "Fuck off," Jewel said under her breath, as she took a last drag off of her cigarette and prepared to climb back up to the Hellrising office, where she hoped that everyone had stopped laughing about the flowers.
After work, Jewel walked straight to Patty's Purple Passion in Lavender Square, ordered a scotch and soda, and sat at a table by herself. It was early in the night, so there weren't many people there yet, and Jewel wasn't interested in any of the people who were there already. All the women who didn't look skanky were there as couples; sometimes it seemed to Jewel that all the good-looking lesbians in Buffalo had already paired off by the time she got there. Three-ways were out of the question for Jewel; she'd tried one in college, and she didn't enjoy it at all.
She thought for a second about going home and calling her parents, but quickly decided against it. Her parents were proud of her work in college; she'd given them most of the paintings she'd done there, oil paintings and watercolours of still life. After she landed the gig at Hellrising, though, they weren't so pleased to see the blood and gore and viscera of titles like Morrigan and The Dead Show. Jewel knew that her parents still loved her, but they didn't like the work she was now doing. They hadn't spoken much since then, and Jewel realized that it was probably better for them to reinitiate contact; she didn't want to risk calling them up now and getting into an argument about her work.
Jewel took another sip of her drink and wondered just what it was that she was craving, sex or a relationship. Masturbation had lost its charm a long time ago, and none of her new DVDs or toys were making it any better. Still, she was desperate for sex, just any kind of sex with a woman, a real human being. But if it's sex I want, Jewel thought, then why isn't masturbation working? Maybe I do need human companionship ,,, no, that's fucking crazy. Then what do I want? I just don't feel fulfilled right now. I don't know what I need, but I need something.
By the time Jewel had decided to stop trying to figure out what she needed and looked up at the clock above the bar, it was two hours later. She'd only had about half of her scotch and soda, and she realized she didn't care to drink any more. She wasn't about to start talking to any of the women who were in the bar, because she knew that nothing would come of it. More than anything, Jewel was headachey from thinking about her problems so much, and was depressed from watching all the couples in the bar savour what came so easily to them, and so hard to her. Sitting up, Jewel lit a cigarette, walked out of Patty's Purple Passion, and began the walk back to her apartment.
"Excuse me?" It was a man's voice, directly behind Jewel. Jewel turned around and saw a scruffy man with long hair somewhere between blond and brown, and a beard that looked out of place on his young face. His coat was grey like an overcast sky and dingy; Jewel thought she'd seen the coat before. Suddenly Jewel realized it was the bum she saw out on the street earlier in the day.
"Um, I'm sorry, but I don't have any money ,,,"
"No, it's okay, I don't want your money. I was just wondering what you thought of the flowers."
For two seconds the word "flowers" echoed in Jewel's head, as she tried to connect that word to something. All of a sudden the mugs of flowers, the laughing of her co-workers, that morning's conversation with Christina, all of it came crashing into Jewel's consciousness at once. "You? You're the one who's been sending those flowers?"
The man smiled. "Yes. I hope you enjoyed them."
Jewel struggled to find something to say to him, to tell him how much he'd put her through over the past few weeks, but all that came out of her mouth was, "Why?"
"I just wanted to remind you of the beauty in life, in all its wonderful forms."
The man's words were as cryptic as the messages that came with the flowers. Jewel knew that this had to be the man. A bum off the street, paying to have flowers delivered to her office every week. Jewel remembered that it wasn't just her office. "And all the other women?"
"To remind them, as well. So many people in this world just don't enjoy life's blessings anymore. I can only hope the flowers ,,,"
"What do you want?" Jewel's whole body felt hot, like she was one of the dragons from Mandragora ready to turn a whole village into a charnelhouse. "Are you some kind of sicko or something? Look, I don't know what you want from me, but you're really creeping me out."
"I'm sorry, miss. I was just hoping to cheer you up."
"Look, who are you?"
The man looked around. "Are you sure you want to know?"
Jewel looked around as well; there were people within eyeshot, so the man wasn't going to get away with anything funny. "Yeah, I'm sure."
The man beamed a wide, thin smile. "I'm Jesus." Beat. "Jesus Christ."
Jesus Christ. Yep, crazy. "Uh, sure."
"You don't believe me, do you."
"No."
"It's okay, I understand. It must be quite a shock to you."
Jewel raised her hand to her forehead, saw that the ash on her cigarette had grown long, and tapped it away. "So, Jesus, um ,,, what brings you back down here? Do you like walking around Buffalo like a bum or something?"
The man smiled again, a smile that seemed welcoming in spite of his craziness. "I can explain. I keep trying to come back, but before I can come back I need enough believers. It is only through the belief of others in me that I can assume divine form here on earth. I have yet to succeed, though. I know that you do not believe in me, but I ask you, please, give me a chance."
Jewel had triple-pumped her cigarette while the man spoke, and tossed the spent butt away as the man finished. "Why should I believe you?"
The man looked at Jewel with greyish eyes that looked innocent. "What can I do to make you believe me?"
"Well, if you're Jesus Christ, then don't you have all sorts of divine powers you could show me? Turn water into wine or something?"
"Like I said, I can't assume divine form until I have enough believers. My powers now are very limited."
"Oh, well, isn't that convenient." Jewel had been with crazy people before they were all too common in the comic business but usually the crazy people she ran into were at least creative in their craziness. This man wasn't. "Well, what can you do, then?"
The man sighed. "Your name is Jewel Silverbeck, isn't it? You grew up ,,, east of here ,,, in a town called Baltimore', right?"
Jewel could feel her insides harden into steel as she surmised that the man was a stalker; how else would he have been able to get that information on her? When she thought about it, though, a lot of her ex-girlfriends knew that, as did her co-workers at Hellrising. She suspected that maybe this was all a joke her colleagues were playing on her. "You could have gotten that information from a bunch of people."
"You work as ,,, some sort of visual artist, don't you?"
Jewel was certain he had to be some sort of joke someone at Hellrising was perpetrating on her. "Yeah, so what of it?"
The man smiled again. "Didn't you used to love flowers when you were younger? Haven't you lost touch with the beauty of flowers? Why do you think I sent flowers to you?"
Jewel was shocked. She remembered the flower beds outside her parents' house in Baltimore, how she loved to watch her mother plant the small flowers she got from the greenhouse just outside the suburbs, how she always made sure she and her brother never got too close to the flowers when they played, for fear of trampling them. How ,,, wait. Every child loves flowers when they're young. "Uh, yeah. Wow, you must be Jesus Christ, to know all of that."
The man's smile disappeared. "You still don't believe me, do you?"
"No, I don't, and I wish you'd just go away, okay?"
The man was staring at Jewel's eyes, and Jewel could see the pleading in them. She didn't want to get nasty with him because he was obviously not in control of his faculties, but she'd played his game for far too long. After a short, uncomfortable silence, the man said, "Okay, I'll leave you alone."
As the man turned around and walked towards Lavender Square, Jewel lit another cigarette and started back towards her apartment, turning around every half-block to make sure that the man wasn't following her. She thought about calling the police when she got back to her apartment, but for all that the man made her more uneasy than she could ever remember feeling, he seemed gentle and harmless enough. If I see him again, though, his ass is grass.
Jewel arrived at work the next day and promptly threw the previous day's flowers away, leaving the mug in the kitchenette so someone else could wash it and use it. The workers at Hellrising sometimes used each others' mugs to wash brushes and pen nibs in, so Jewel always used paper cups for her own drinks, even if it conflicted with her environmental beliefs. Throughout the morning no one bothered to talk to her, although she found herself taking twice as many cigarette breaks as usual that day, trying to meet up with Christina outside the building to tell her about her encounter with the man the previous night. It wasn't until just before noon that Jewel finally walked out onto the sidewalk and saw Christina, looking even more radiant than they day before, pacing back and forth and smoking a cigarette.
"Christina?"
Christina turned around and smiled. "Jewel! Hi!"
"I know who's sending the flowers!"
Christina's smile grew wider. "Who?"
"It's this bum that I've seen hanging out across the street." Jewel looked across the street, but the alleyway was empty.
"Huh?"
"I know, I don't get it either. He's real crazy, says he's Jesus Christ and he's trying to come back from the dead or something."
"Jeez. Did you tell him to stop?"
"I ,,, don't know. I mean, I wanted to tell him to fuck off, but I didn't wanna be that rude about it."
Christina looked perturbed. "Why not?"
"He's crazy, he can't help it. When I asked him to leave, he left, I figure that's all I can ask for."
"But what if he comes after one of us?"
Jewel realized she hadn't thought of that. "I ,,, I don't know. Just tell him to go away, and if he keeps bothering you then call the cops or something."
"Yeah, okay."
Jewel could see Christina was upset, and cursed herself for not thinking of the other women's safety the previous night. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay."
"I didn't think about ,,,"
"I said it's okay, okay?" Christina took a long drag off her cigarette and tossed it against the wall of the office building. Jewel noticed that even when Christina was angry, she was still incredibly hot.
"Look, maybe I can make it up to you. Maybe we could ,,, have dinner sometime?" Jewel hadn't even thought the words, yet somehow they came out of her mouth.
Christina looked quizzically at Jewel. "Excuse me?"
Realizing she'd already gotten herself in deep, Jewel tried to smooth things through as best she could. "Well, I don't really have that many friends here in town, and I get lonely sometimes ,,, you know?" Jewel realized that she had started feeling Christina's cherry wood hair with her fingertips; it was more luxurious than the sable-hair brushes she'd used in college. As Jewel looked up to Christina, she saw Christina's deep brown eyes grow unnaturally cold.
"I'll have you know that I'm a happily married woman, thank you very much." Christina turned on her heel and stormed back into the office builidng. Jewel could barely make out what Christina said under her breath as she opened the door: "Fucking freak."
Jewel stood motionless for a minute as she felt anger welling up inside of her. Some of it was anger at Christina, but mostly Jewel was angry with herself for screwing things up with Christina so badly. It's never going to end, is it? Every time I go looking for a girlfriend, it's the same fucking thing "I like you, but you're not my type," or, "Sorry, but I'm straight," or, "Say, have you met my girlfriend here, the one with the Gap clothing and the perfectly straight teeth and the fucking investment banker job?"
Reaching into her purse, Jewel took out a cigarette and lit it, and tried to figure out what to do. The emptiness of not having a girlfriend had grown so much it felt like it could suffocate her, could expand like a balloon between her lungs and compress them flat. Jewel thought of how she could fill that emptiness if she couldn't find a girlfriend hobbies, her work, spending all her time on the Internet, television but she knew that none of it would do her any good. Moving to another city was out, since she needed the good money Hellrising paid her. She made a pact with herself to just try to survive each day as it came, to accept the misery already in her life and just try not to do anything to make it even worse.
"Jewel?"
Jewel turned around, but she didn't need to; she remembered the man's voice from the previous night. He was still dressed in that ugly jacket, still had that bushy hair and beard, still looked like he had one foot in the grave, except without the charming menace of Hellrising's stock of undead characters. And he still had that wide, welcoming smile that seemed so innocent, but Jewel knew better.
"Jewel, how have you been?"
Jewel was in no mood to deal with the man. "Real fucking shitty, and worse since you got here."
The man's smile disappeared, replaced with a look of concern. "I'm sorry, is there anything I can do to help you?"
"Yeah, leave!"
Concern faded to defeat. "You still don't believe I'm Jesus, do you?"
Jewel took a long drag on her cigarette, and exhaled violently. "No, I don't, okay? Look, I'm real sorry that you think you're Jesus, I'm sorry that you're crazy, but I've got enough problems of my own to deal with right now without having you stalking me. Just please, get out of here before I call the fucking cops, okay?"
The man seemed to be pleading with his eyes again, but Jewel wasn't about to give in to something like that. He looked innocent enough, but if he said he was Jesus Christ, and he took the time to learn her name and where she lived as a child, she knew he had to be sick and twisted and not in the good way.
Finally the man said, "I don't normally do this, but I have something I'd like to show you."
Jewel took a step back, expecting the man to expose himself. But he didn't move.
"I just want to show you one thing, and after that if you still want me to leave you alone, I won't bother you ever again."
Jewel thought about the offer. If it was just one thing, maybe she could go through with it. If he could be trusted. "You promise?"
"I promise."
"Because if I ever see you again after that, I'm calling the cops, you got that?"
"I understand. Meet me at the park down the street tonight at around nine o'clock, okay?"
"Wait, why can't you show it to me now?"
The man looked around again; Jewel could see that they were just isolated enough so no one could hear their conversation, but a lot of people could see them. "You'll see. I promise, you'll be safe."
Jewel tried to think about what park the man meant. There was a park nearby Jewel thought it was called Highland Park but she wasn't sure but it was a good two or three miles away. She wasn't about to walk all the way there and back just for the man, but she needed to get rid of him. "Fine. Nine o'clock. Now please, get out of here; I don't want to see you again until then."
"As you wish. Thank you." The man walked away as Jewel finished her cigarette, resolving to go straight home after work and not bother going to the park.
Jewel did go back to her apartment after work, ate some leftover pizza, and masturbated herself to the most unsatisfying orgasm she cared to remember. She flipped the television on, channel-surfed after watching Jeopardy! and not guessing a single answer correctly, and finally switched the television off. For a moment she thought about heading to Lavender Square, but after the episode with Christina earlier in the day she just couldn't bring herself to go looking for someone else. The emptiness in her life was already more than she could handle, and she didn't want to make it bigger by adding more rejections to the pile.
Remembering the man's offer from earlier, Jewel finally took a bus to the park, which was in fact called Highland Park. She knew she could be putting herself in danger, but she figured it'd be more interesting than television or sitting off in a bar by herself. As she stepped out of the bus, she looked up at the clear night sky. A line from one of Jewel's favourite Recoil songs lodged in her mind: I want to strangle the stars for all they promised me. Jewel wasn't sure if the stars had ever made promises to her, but she still felt like reaching up, grabbing one of those happy-looking dots of light, and squishing it in her hand until it oozed white blood down her forearm.
Jewel realized that the man had never told her where to meet him. The park was only as big as a city block, but it still seemed big enough that the two of them might miss each other. There were only about two or three people in the park, but she was sure that none of them were that man. At the very least the park was very open-aired, and Jewel knew that if she had to run or scream, someone would find her. Tired of walking around, she sat down on a bench of black iron, its paint peeling in spots.
It was early May, and Jewel realized that this was the first time since she moved to Buffalo that she couldn't remember it snowing in April. There were a few flowers visible from where Jewel was sitting, but for the most part the park looked to be large patches of grass, tall trees, concrete walking paths, and iron benches. Taking a closer look at the flowers, she saw they weren't that lively; she could make out splotches of black on a wilting yellow tulip across from her. Jewel thought again about what the man had said about her loving flowers when she was younger, but scoffed at how she could believe that this was some grand insight on his part. A breeze made Jewel shiver; she hadn't worn her coat. Tired of waiting for the man to show up, and not wanting to waste her time there any longer, she stood up, lit a cigarette, and tried to find the closest bus stop so she could get home before it got any colder.
"Jewel?"
She whipped around, and the man was only ten feet away from her. Jewel wondered how he could have snuck up on her like that.
The man held a hand up. "It's good to see you again, Jewel. I'm glad you came."
"Uh ,,, hi." Jewel realized that she'd dropped her cigarette, but didn't want to bend down to get it back, didn't want to take her eyes off the man. He was still dressed in the same ugly suit, still had the same eyes and smile that belied his craziness.
"Are you ready?"
"Yeah, let's just get this over with, okay? Show me whatever it is you want to show me, then let me get out of here."
The man kept smiling in spite of her attempt at rudeness. "I promise, this won't take long."
"I've got a cell phone," Jewel lied, "and the police on speed-dial."
"I assure you, that won't be necessary. Just watch what I have to show you, and I promise, you can leave when I'm done and I won't ever bother you again."
"Just do it, okay?"
"Okay." The man looked around and saw the same tulip Jewel had been looking at a couple of minutes ago. He walked over and knelt at its side. "Come here. Sit beside me."
Jewel cautiously squatted opposite him as he raised his hands to either side of the flower; the moment the man lunged at her, Jewel was ready to run for her life.
"I don't have that much power right now, so I'm not sure how well this will work. But I will try." The man closed his eyes and Jewel saw a look of bliss take over his face. He seemed to be focused on something; she wondered if he'd notice her walking away.
A sudden motion made Jewel look down at the flower. It was jerking in short but violent spasms. But I don't feel any wind. What the ,,,
It was taking place slowly, but Jewel could see the black spots on the tulip disappearing. It was almost as if the flesh around the spots was regrowing, patching the old holes. As this was happening, the tulip got more and more erect. Jewel couldn't tell if it took three minutes or three hours, but before she knew it the flower stood tall and vibrant, like the ones her art teachers brought into class for still life paintings. Finally the man put his hands down and let out a long exhale, like a balloon deflating.
Jewel looked back up to the man. She wasn't sure what she had just seen, but she knew she didn't believe it. The man finally raised his head wearily, caught Jewel's eyes in his own, and smiled that welcoming smile at her.
Going back through all the Secrets of Stage Magic Revealed television shows she watched, Jewel tried to figure out how the man had made the flower come back to life, or whatever he'd done to it. She couldn't think of any tricks that resembled what the man had just done. She wondered if maybe the man had sprinkled fertilizer on the flower, but realized that no fertilizer could act that quickly. Finally Jewel settled on the likelihood that the man just prepared the flower ahead of time, that it wasn't a real flower, that it had to be some silly, but sophisticated, magician's prop.
"Now do you believe me?"
Jewel got ready to deflate the man's ego. "Do it again."
"What?" The man's eyes widened.
"Hold on." Jewel jogged over to the next flower she could see, another yellow tulip; it was lilting and spotted as well. "Do it to this one, too."
The man let out a long sigh, closed his eyes and nodded his head. He seemed to struggle as he got up, walked over and knelt beside the second flower. Jewel stood on the other side of the flower as the man once again held his hands to either side of it and closed his eyes.
Again, the flower twitched a few times. Jewel knelt down to look at the tulip closely. The black spots were being healed over again. He couldn't have prepared all the flowers here. What is he ,,,
All of a sudden the man's breathing became louder, more ragged. He seemed to be straining against something. A tear escaped the corner of his right eye, ran down into his mustache. Jewel realized the man was in pain, and remembered back to what he said earlier about not having much power. She grabbed the man by his shoulders and shook him gently. "Stop! Stop! It's okay, I believe you!
"I ,,, believe you." The words echoed in Jewel's head as she said them. She wasn't sure, but something in her felt like she was believing him. She couldn't recall anything about Jesus resurrecting flowers, but she'd only been to church for a couple of grandparents' funerals in the whole of her life. But if he can bring back flowers like that, why shouldn't I believe him when he says he's Jesus Christ?
Suddenly Jewel felt the whole of the man's weight on her hands as he slumped forward; Jewel strained to keep him upright for a moment, then slowly lowered him onto her shoulder and clasped her arms around him. "I believe you. I believe you. I believe you." And Jewel realized that she did believe him; he was Jesus. He had to be.
Jesus sucked in a long breath. "Thank you, Jewel." He put his hands on her thighs and pushed himself back up to an upright position.
Questions flew around Jewel's head like a nest of angry hornets. If this was Jesus, she had no idea how to address him; she wasn't even really sure who he was, other than the son of God who'd come back from the dead after being crucified, or something like that. She needed to know, though; she needed to figure out just what was going on.
"Jesus, I ,,, I'm sorry, but I've never been a very religious person, I've never been to church or read the Bible or, or really done anything like that. I don't know what to do."
Jesus smiled again. "Jewel, the first thing you must learn is that religion and faith do not come from ministers or books. They foster belief in me, and I appreciate what they do, but true belief ,,, that comes from within. I only showed you this just now because I knew that a part of you wanted to believe, but there was still something preventing you from really believing."
"No, I believe, I believe now. I didn't mean to trouble you."
"It's okay."
He was smiling again, and Jewel began to feel unworthy. He did all this for me, when he could have showed this to anyone. Any of the girls at the office. Why me? "But ,,, but how can I believe when I'm ,,, I mean ,,, I ,,,"
"You mean because you're a lesbian?"
Jewel felt her spine stiffen at that word. "Yeah."
Jesus giggled, and Jewel couldn't figure out how he could giggle at that. "Jewel, God has no problem with homosexuals. That was just something the people who wrote the Bible put in to try to sanctify their own beliefs."
Jewel giggled, then realized she was giggling, then realized she didn't care that she was giggling. "Really?"
"I probably shouldn't tell you this, but you know all the occult religions? They're just fiction created by people, but at least it's more interesting than the fiction some of my believers made up about me."
Now Jewel was laughing, and Jesus laughed along with her. She laughed for longer than she could ever remember, then as she stopped and wiped her tears away with the back of her hand, she tried to remember the last time she laughed at all, but she couldn't.
"Excuse me?" Jewel and Jesus both turned their heads to see where the voice came from. Two men in their early thirties were walking towards them, both dressed in thin navy blue jackets and blue jeans. "Jesus, is that you?"
"Yes," Jesus answered to them, standing up as Jewel did.
The taller man said, "We're so glad we found you. We knew you would be coming."
Jewel looked at both men. They both had brown, short-cut hair, and exuded an air of young, rich conservatives. They looked like typical church-goers, but Jewel wondered how they could have known to find Jesus there.
"Listen, we don't have much time. There are some young men in trouble, and they need your help. Jim Mallon and a few others have gathered outside of town, and we need to take you to them now. Will you come?"
"Of course. I don't feel very strong right now, but I will do what I can."
"Good. Our car is waiting." The taller man turned to Jewel. "Will you come with us as well?"
"Yes." Jewel wasn't sure what was going on, but she wanted to know. She hoped that Jesus, and maybe the men, could answer the cacophony of questions that were still jostling for release from her head.
"Follow me," the shorter man said.
The two men led the way back to one of the walking paths, Jewel walking alongside Jesus. "Jesus, who's Jim Mallon?"
"Another man I converted. He works at a flower shop near your office."
Jewel realized how he'd been able to send the flowers. "Oh. What about these men?"
"I haven't met them, but people have sought me out before. Some people just know when I have come, and where to find me."
"How?"
"Spiritual intuition."
"What's that?"
"It's hard to explain. Some people are just more attuned to my presence, because their belief is so strong."
Jewel's stomach began to ache a little. She wished that she'd had "spiritual intuition" so Jesus didn't have to expend so much energy on the flowers for her.
"Not that many people have it, though," Jesus continued. His words comforted Jewel a little, but she still wanted to improve; she realized that she was still thinking she believed him more than she was really feeling it. She wanted to feel belief, to feel that Jesus was really a part of her life now.
The men led them one of the wrought iron gates into the park. The shorter man lifted his hand, and a black Lincoln Town Car in front of them flashed its headlights to a "beep-beep" sound. Picking up his pace a bit, the man opened the rear door for Jewel and Jesus. As the taller man got into the passenger side, Jewel and Jesus both slided into the back seat of the car.
The taller man turned around and reached his hand out to Jewel. "I'm Andy."
Jewel shook his hand. "Hi, I'm Jewel."
As the shorter man got into the driver's side, Andy said, "He's Adam. Adam, this is Jewel. Jewel, have you been saved?"
"I ,,, think so. I'm awfully new to this, though."
"I was just talking to her now," Jesus explained. "She has a good heart, and she's willing to learn."
"There's some literature in the back if you're interested," Adam said as he started the car.
Jewel looked at the back of Andy's seat. There was a leather-bound Holy Bible in the pouch, along with several small pamphlets. Jewel pulled one of the pamphlets out and identified it right away; she remembered the so-called "Christian comics" from the cafeterias back at Sarah Lawrence. "Chick Tracts?" She looked up at Jesus.
"I'm sorry," Jesus said, "I realize they probably aren't to your tastes. Jack Chick is a little misguided, but he's trying to do good."
Andy turned around. "What do you mean, Jesus?"
"Jack Chick is trying to do good, but he's a little misguided. People don't have to follow the strict doctrine he lays out in his work."
Andy turned to look at Adam, but Adam was looking out the window as he drove. "I see. I'm sorry, you can just throw those out if you want."
"It's okay, Andy," Jesus said. "It sounds like I will have plenty of time to explain everything to you, and Adam, and Jewel, and your friends."
Jewel pulled out the Bible and began reading it from the beginning. She couldn't make much sense out of the archaic language, but she read it slowly and carefully, trying to move each word directly from her brain to her heart. The car was silent as Adam drove out of the downtown area, through a suburb, and then out into the undeveloped land to the east of Buffalo. Jewel wanted to ask if everything she knew of Jesus' life was true, and how one became "saved", and how she could live her life to best please Jesus. She couldn't bring herself to ask any questions right then, though, since Jesus had said that he would explain everything once they got to wherever Adam and Andy were taking them. So instead, she kept her nose buried in the Bible, trying to get answers to her questions from it.
Adam finally stopped the car behind a stone grey minivan parked on the side of a fairly quiet road. They didn't appear to be anywhere in particular; Jewel thought she saw a barn in the horizon, but she couldn't be too sure. As everyone got out of the car, Jewel saw a vast meadow, teeming with uncut grass stretching out for what seemed like miles.
Adam and Andy pointed out to the meadow. "They're about a half-mile out that way," Andy explained.
Jesus nodded his head. "Okay."
"There's a walking path you can follow." Adam pulled out a flashlight and shined it on a small patch where the grass had been trampled down.
"I understand. Will you follow me?"
Jewel nodded her head as Adam and Andy looked at each other, smiling. Jesus led the way into the meadow, everyone else close behind. Jewel made sure to be the closest to Jesus, as she felt the courage to ask questions coming back to her.
"Jesus, what ,,, what can I do for you?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean ,,, I want to help. I just don't know how. I mean, do you want me by your side, do you want me going out and spreading the word, helping the poor?"
"Do what feels right to you, Jewel. Just remember not to do any harm."
Jewel reflected on that line for a moment. From what she'd known of Christians in her life, mostly from the student groups at Sarah Lawrence, it felt odd to have Jesus not lay out a stricter path for her. "Jesus, what if I've sinned?"
"Ask for forgiveness."
"Ask? Ask who?"
"Ask God. It's usually better that way."
"But Jesus, I'm not sure God can forgive me for everything I've done. I mean, I've done some really nasty sh stuff. A lot."
Jesus slowed down a little to allow Jewel to get closer to him. "Jewel, have you tried to live your life without hurting others?"
Jewel thought for a minute. She realized that she'd probably acted out of malice a lot, especially when she was in college. Certainly she'd been rude to Jesus when they first met, a fact that lodged in Jewel's throat like a big, sick lump. "There have been times when I've hurt others. It was stupid, and I don't know why I did it, oh God I'm such a fool ,,,"
"Jewel, you are not a fool. You have made mistakes, but you acknowledge them. Will you try to atone for when you've hurt others?"
"How do I atone?"
"Apologize to the people you have hurt. Commit yourself to living each day without hurting anyone else. That's only the beginning, but that is all I can tell you. You have to figure out the rest for yourself."
"Jesus, I ,,, I want to do good from now on. I want to help."
"I know, Jewel. And I am grateful for your help."
The two continued to walk near each other for a minute or two in silence, footsteps being the only sound Jewel could make out. The silence gave Jewel time to think about what Jesus said to her. She still wasn't sure what she was supposed to do now; she wasn't even sure she could go to Hellrising the next day. She wanted to apologize to Christina for coming on to her, at least. After that, though, Jewel didn't know what she should do. She wondered if she should stay by Jesus' side, and help him gain more believers. It felt like the best thing for her, but she didn't want to bother Jesus any more than she already had.
Jesus looked over his shoulder at Jewel, and smiled that welcoming smile, that smile that seemed to say, "Everything will be all right." Jewel smiled back at him. She decided to just listen to what Jesus had to say that evening, to talk to everyone else they were about to meet and hope that they could explain things to her. Being with Jesus made Jewel happy, and gave her a sense of fulfillment. She realized that the emptiness she'd felt so strongly wasn't there anymore, and wondered if this was enough for her. Certainly it was enough for now, she realized, and she just hoped that this newfound happiness was going to last.
Jewel looked ahead at the meadow path, and even though it was just grass as far as she could see, Jewel thought it was still beautiful grass. The air smelled clean, unlike the city air she was used to in the heart of Buffalo. She strained to hear the sounds of the night, but all she could hear was the wind, and their footsteps, which somehow sounded different than they did a few seconds ago.
From behind Jewel, an explosion pierced the quiet. A warmness hit Jewel's right arm in splotches, and before she could look down to see what it was, Jesus' hand slipped out of hers, as he fell on his face in front of her. There was just enough moonlight for Jewel to make out the small, glistening hole in the back of Jesus' skull. As she looked down at Jesus' body, she saw that the warmness on her arm was from blood.
Jewel gasped and turned around quickly. The moonlight caught every feature of the black gun held in Andy's outstretched arm. They were both wearing dark sunglasses now. Adam was bringing some sort of box up to his mouth; he squeezed it, and a short burst of white noise came from it.
"Mama Bear," Adam said into the box, "this is Papa Bear. Baby Bear's come home to stay. Out."
Jewel barely saw Andy point his gun towards her. Just as she realized what had happened, she felt a sharp, intense pressure right between her eyes, as her whole world faded into white. And then nothing.
copyright © 2008 Sean Shannon