posted 2005/11/30 at 17:06
Coming out of the library here on campus just a little while ago, I saw the woman I had a crush on near the start of the year (if any of you remember that). I don't know whether or not she saw me, but when I saw her I just couldn't bring myself to say hi to her.
All the things I've been discussing with my counselor lately about how I handle interpersonal relationships, as well as other recent events, have made me so hesitant to "reach out" to other people -- even people I consider friends -- that I just feel totally shut down. No matter what approach I take with people, it seems to backfire on me, and that makes me feel scared when I even think about initiating anything with other people.
I know that there's something called social anxiety disorder, and I probably have some form of that. More importantly, though, I think I have, for lack of a better phrase, a kind of social dysfunction. Between not having any real friends for the nine years I went to that private school, spending so many years between school just basically dividing my time between home and work and having no real social life, and then having the Spectrum situation implode on me like it did, I just feel like I don't really know how to be sociable with people. The worst part is that it feels like the people who I do try to be sociable with don't understand that I really don't have the kind of social literacy that they have, and so even among my friends I feel wholly misunderstood.
This isn't exactly something that medication can take care of, either. Medication may be able to distract me from the overwhelming feelings of loneliness I've been having lately, but they won't treat the underlying cause of my loneliness: my inability to really communicate with people, friends or otherwise, in a way that helps me make friends and feel less alone. I know that the only real solution I have to this problem is to just put myself out there and take some risks in getting to know new people, but it seems like every time I do that I just get burned, and I have enough problems to deal with right now without adding rejection upon humiliating rejection on top of that.
I swear, if I weren't in a busy computer lab right now I'd be crying as I write this.
posted 2005/11/29 at 22:34
Maybe it's just laziness on my part, but I do find Yahoo!'s homepage to be a good central resource to visit throughout the day. The news headlines at the top keep me up-to-date when I don't have CNN International on the TV (or if I'm on campus and I don't have ready access to TV), the Sports section does a reasonable job of keeping me on track with all the news and scores from my favourite teams, and about once every week I find myself needing to use another of their services like Yahoo! Maps.
That being said, there are two sections on the Yahoo! homepage that I wish I didn't have to see: the entertainment news block and the "Yahoo! Buzz" section. The entertainment news just further depresses me about the priorities of the average American, and the Buzz section is poorly written and seems to serve no other purpose than to promote Yahoo!'s search engine, which I hardly ever use when Google's engine yields far better results for nearly everything I put into it.
You'd think that Yahoo! would offer up a way to let people customize their homepage so they don't have to deal with the blocks that they don't want to deal with. It can't be that difficult, right?
posted 2005/11/28 at 23:08
I was a big fan of the original Aeon Flux shorts on Liquid Television back in the day. (Yes, I'm that old, thanks for asking.) I liked the on-its-own show, although not as much as the original; I think the show worked a lot better without dialogue, and I don't really see why they added it in. As for the movie ... I'm thinking about going to it, but from the trailers I've seen so far it just looks like another generic Hollywood action film with the Aeon Flux name tagged to it. Those of you who used to watch the old show (I know some of you must have watched it), what are you thinking?
Oh, and they didn't put a pacemaker in Grandma Shannon after all; they're going to change her medications up first and see if that helps get her heartbeat stronger.
posted 2005/11/27 at 12:37
There hadn't been much news about Grandma Shannon's condition recently, until yesterday when she fell and hit her head. She didn't suffer any kind of concussion, but while she was in the hospital the doctors noticed that her heartbeat was extremely weak, so they're about to install a pacemaker in her. My father just left to drive up to the hospital to be with her.
I don't know what to think here. For all that she (and Grandpa Shannon, when he was alive) ostracized me from the family, I still love her and I want her to be well. At the same time, though, ever since Grandpa Shannon died some four and a half years ago, she hasn't found a reason to live, and even though she won't say it, everyone around her knows that she wants to die. Am I supposed to wish her a quick and painless death, if that's what she really wants? Am I supposed to hope that she holds on her as long as possible if she doesn't really want to be here anymore?
posted 2005/11/26 at 23:21
Gallagher is going to perform at UT this coming week.
I'm probably going to attend.
Wow, I could hear you all losing respect for me just now.
(Hey, at least I didn't go see Larry the Cable Guy last week.)
posted 2005/11/25 at 20:01
Stolen from Poppy Z. Brite's own blog, yes, but how messed up is it that New Orleans residents still list Anne Rice as the city's best author when she's lived in California for several years now? Never mind that her new stuff sucks and her old stuff is clearly overrated, especially once you've read PZB's horror works and realize how subdued nearly everyone other horror writer's works are in comparison. Sigh.
Over break I've finally had a chance to really get into Karaoke Revolution here, and now that I'm singing for upwards of a half-hour a day, I'm noticing that I've just had all this mucus coming out of me. Granted, we've had a bit of a cold spell here, but I've stayed indoors since early Wednesday evening so I doubt the weather's to blame. Does anyone know if singing on a regular basis is supposed to cause that? For that matter, is regular singing (say a half-hour to an hour a day) good for you or bad for you? So many questions ...
posted 2005/11/23 at 13:52
Okay, now we're having our first accumulating snowfall of the year. I have to leave the house today to pick up my paycheque at the very least, and I had thought about going to Bowling Green for some ITG2. Then again, given that UT beat BGSU in double overtime last night, maybe I should be worried about going down there with my UT parking permit displayed so proudly. (I can always take it off before I cross the county border, I guess.)
Anyway, as always during the first snowfall of the year I have Björk's Gling-Glo on as I watch the snow fall, as it is the perfect late fall/early winter album. I recommend it both for early-season snowfalls and especially for going out looking at Christmas light displays. Seriously, if you haven't picked it up already you don't know what you're missing out on.
posted 2005/11/21 at 23:14
Red Wings' Jiri Fischer has seizure on bench in middle of game
I honestly couldn't give a shit if the Wings don't make the playoffs this year as long as Jiri pulls out of this okay.
posted 2005/11/20 at 22:19
Let's see ... Pistons no longer undefeated, Red Wings on a four-game losing streak, Bengals blow their chance to retake the division lead.
Schoolwork not coming along as I'd like, likely forcing me to do lots of researching over Thanksgiving break.
Holiday plans now even more uncertain now that I appear to only have a half-week block of time in which I could make a trip to North Carolina.
Spectrum refusing to get in touch with me about the stuff of mine they still have in spite of my threats of legal action.
Absolutely zero contact from my closest friends, in spite of doing everything but jumping up and down and screaming, "HEY EVERYONE LOOK AT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
Yeah, I'd say my life feels like shit right now, thanks for asking.
posted 2005/11/18 at 16:25
Someone left a fortune from a fortune cookie on the lab computer I'm working on right now that reads, "You are what you think about." So does that mean I am sex? Sigh.
Anyway, I had my first counseling session in a few weeks just now, and I had a chance to talk with my counselor about what friendship means to me. Hear me out here.
When it comes to people who I call friends, I tend to have some pretty strict guidelines. I mean, most of the people I knew back when I was in Spectrum I could call "friends," but there were only a few people I really considered true friends, the kind of people I'd actually make an effort to hang out with outside of Spectrum. (These people probably would have stuck by me after the shit that went down this past Spring, but unfortunately they all either graduated or went away to study abroad this year.)
I think there's a certain amount of chemistry I have to feel from someone to consider him or her a true friend, but I think what I get most drawn to is a feeling of great empathy on the part of the friend, not just for me but for others as well. Perhaps this is because I need to know that someone shares the same overarching concerns I have -- not just for my friends, but the communities I belong to, and the world in general -- to be able to really trust someone. Right now that basically leaves me with Christina, Milena, and Penny, and that's it. Maybe I could add Jessi and Lara and Jboy to there as well, but I haven't really been able to hang out/talk with them enough to get a good feel for them.
What seems to get me in trouble is that when I find true friends -- people who I can really feel comfortable around -- I tend to latch onto them too much, and try to draw them too much into my life. This has especially been the case as of late, now that I don't have anyone locally to confide in except for my counselor and my family. (I'm not even sure if my family fully counts, since I can't confide in them about everything.) The thing is that when I do meet someone who is so good of heart, I want to do everything I can to help him or her, and I know that in the past this has made some of my friends uncomfortable. I guess it's just my mothering instinct gone into total hyperdrive.
This last counseling session has given me a lot to think about here. Hopefully now that I'm more conscious of some of this stuff, I can start to check myself when I'm doing stuff that I shouldn't be doing, and maybe I won't have such a hard time keeping friends in the future.
posted 2005/11/16 at 15:19
We're getting our first snowflakes of the year right now. You know, I really used to like snow until I had to start driving in it, and now I just hate it whenever I have to drive when it's snowing because I'm always worried about slip-sliding on the roads and crashing into something (or worse yet, someone). I'm especially worried because my twenty-year-old Camry doesn't exactly make me feel like I'll be safe in the event that I am involved in a crash. (That being said, there's still no way I'll buy or drive in an SUV. Crap, I actually typed SVU there first, which just goes to show you where my mind's at right now.)
This weekend I bought a new coat for the first time in about five years. My old coat was a very lightweight one, which I usually supplemented with fleeces in order to stay warm, but this new one is a genuine winter coat, and it's doing a good job of keeping me warm here so far. Still, I often find myself wishing that I could live in a more temperate climate where I wouldn't have to worry about the extremes of weather. (That being said, I couldn't live in California because of my fear of earthquakes, nor could I live in Florida because of the hurricanes. Yes, I have a metric fuckload of irrational fears, thanks for asking.)
What do people have planned over Thanksgiving weekend? Wednesday I don't have classes but I have to go to campus to get my paycheque; Thursday I'll be keeping up my Thanksgiving tradition of watching MST3k and eating waffles. I'd like to visit people over the rest of the break, but I have a feeling this isn't really a good time for any of you (who live within driving distance) to have visitors. Hopefully some of us will be able to get together over winter break, because I really miss all of you! ;.;
posted 2005/11/14 at 23:48
Coming out of 2Play this evening I looked over at the car next to mine and saw a couple making out with each other. Mind you, this is the middle of downtown Bowling Green we're talking about at around eight in the evening here.
I'm not morally opposed to public displays of affection like that, but I'm opposed to them when they only serve to remind me of just how lonely I am. Anyone know any nymphomaniacs they can hook me up with here soon? ;.;
posted 2005/11/13 at 15:14
Jeff just called the house with the news.
Damn it.
posted 2005/11/11 at 22:36
Wow, five years this Website has been up.
Anyway, new in the .journal: .org.5 part 1: this is gonna hurt like hell. I'm trying to get at what I was planning on writing about before leaving for Wisconsin and all the emotional stuff that was bringing up, but now I'm just confused and I have a huge sinus headache that's making it hard for me to focus on anything now. Hopefully I can come back when I feel better and clear up some of the confusing parts.
posted 2005/11/10 at 22:17
It was five years ago today that I made my departure from the IWC official. For those of you scoring at home (or even if you're alone), I only had Websites up for a little over four years.
Of course, this means the .org turns five in just a few hours here ... there will be something special up there for the occasion, I promise, but I'm not really sure what yet.
Oh, and while I've been sick here I went ahead and started up an account on Magic: the Gathering Online just so I could get back into shape when I finally get to play Penny. If any of you are on MtG:O, my username there is sshannon, so look for me in the "New Players" room if you're looking for a newbie to whip around.
posted 2005/11/09 at 23:36
Right around now I should be holed up in some ratty Motel 6 in Milwaukee, getting ready to deliver my paper bright and early Friday morning. Instead I'm home watching TV and feeling like all this sinus pressure is going to burst my eyeballs right out of their sockets. Ugh.
Had I gone to Wisconsin, I would have posted a .journal entry beforehand about my feelings about going to the conference and all that. Now I don't know what to do. I should probably write something on the 11th, but I've got so many things I'm thinking about right now, and my head is so wonky, I don't know if I can even keep them straight.
Oh, and Ohio voters are still morons. Like you needed me to tell you that.
posted 2005/11/08 at 01:14
I'm still not getting better here. Wisconsin is officially off.
Believe me, this is not how I wanted things to go. Conference papers like these are basically currency for my professional life; presenting papers like this is one of the best things I can do to gain leverage when it comes to getting into a good Ph.D. programme. In addition, good conference papers can lead to invitations to write longer pieces for the big academic journals, and getting published in journals is a huge key to earning tenure-track positions and raking in the real big bucks.
I'd held off hope that even if I wasn't up to going to the conference for the whole time, I could drive in on Thursday evening, spend the night in Milwaukee, deliver my paper the following morning, then take right off and be back in Toledo before sundown Friday. I just don't see myself being up to that, though, and I couldn't leave the conference organizers hanging any longer. Even just delivering the paper wasn't a perfect solution, though, as one of my big reasons for wanting to attend the whole conference was to network with professors at other schools and try to get a feel for who had a doctoral programme I would feel at home in.
I'm really disappointed right now, but I'll live. For now, however, I'll sleep, since my body finally seems up to doing that again.
posted 2005/11/05 at 16:43
Damn it, I'm not getting any better here ... I was still holding a bit of a chance that I could go deliver my paper next week, even if I were to just drive to Milwaukee the night before, deliver my paper that morning, and then turn right around and come back here, but if I don't get considerably better in the next forty-eight hours or so I'm going to have to make alternate plans here. I know I normally get sick around this time of year, but I was hoping to avoid things at least long enough to handle the conference this year. So much for that idea.
At least I got out and got those autumn photographs taken when I did, because now most of the trees (at least from my bedroom window) are at or near bareness. Still, the leaves on the ground haven't dried up and turned brown yet, so the ground outside our house is beautiful with all kinds of yellows and oranges. If I can get some good sunlight tomorrow, I might go out and take a few photos for you all.
Seeing those leaves makes me feel sad, though. I have to fight seasonal depression in the autumn as it is, but this year when I look out at those leaves I can't help thinking that I wish I had someone to go out and play in the leaves with, or people I could call up for a friendly game of touch football. (I haven't played touch football since high school, and I don't think I've gone out to play in the leaves since I was very little.) I don't have anyone here to play with, though, and even if I could go down to Cincinnati right now (and I wasn't sick) all my friends down there are too busy with their own lives to have time to play with me. Damn it, why do I always have to feel so alone and left out?
posted 2005/11/03 at 22:51
A little something I thought I'd pass along from Mitch Balonek, former Green Party candidate for Toledo City Council:
The Green Party is endorsing passage of 2 & 3, but does not support 4 & 5. The reason the Green Party and other third parties do not support 4 & 5 is simple: it excludes third parties from participating on these "independent" panels.
Friends, I would like to believe that the two major political parties have third party inclusion in mind when dividing up the state, but you all know that is not true. It is nearly impossible in this state for a third party to get a foothold because the laws for ballot access are ridiculously strict in Ohio. Passing a constitutional amendment establishing a BI-PARTISAN commission will make it even more difficult for third parties. That is why I urge you to vote "NO" on issues 4 & 5.
Third, fourth and fifth parties are the best way to save our democracy. It would force political parties to work in coalitions on common issues, rather than the simple yes/no two party system we have now. The country is prime for third parties. Say yes to third parties; Vote NO on issues 4 & 5.
Oh, and for Christina and Milena: VGCats does an Animal Crossing cartoon.
posted 2005/11/01 at 19:11
I just e-mailed my professor for my evening class tonight to let him know I wouldn't be able to make it to class today because I've gotten so sick.
I'm about to phone the Motel 6 in Milwaukee and tell them to cancel my reservations for the weekend after next.
I hate my life.
copyright © 2008 Sean Shannon