posted 2004/03/31 at 22:15
Earlier tonight I was near tears several times realizing that my time as President of Spectrum is coming to an end. For all that's been going wrong in my life recently, Spectrum this past year has been an unqualified success, and as self-deprecating as I am, I know that some of the credit for that has to go to me. But in five and a half weeks it all comes to an end, and even though I know that the people who take over Spectrum next year will be more than qualified to build on the successes of this year, I just have to wonder how things are going to change. Unless something really odd happens, I'll be going to Spectrum meetings in the fall, and it's just impossible to know how me not being President will change anything.
posted 2004/03/29 at 18:37
Sorry I haven't written much lately (the people at Backwash must be furious with me by now), but I just really haven't felt much use in writing lately. I'm still waiting to hear back from BGSU, Antioch LA and UT, but at this point I have to wonder just what the use is in it all. Writing has just been so difficult lately, because all of the rejections I've gotten have made me question my worth as a writer. I know I'm a good writer, but it just seems like I'm not a good enough writer. I wonder if I'll ever be good enough. At anything.
posted 2004/03/26 at 13:39
I'm up here in the Spectrum office now, where we finally have a working computer for the first time in several weeks. Kind of nice, that.
Last night was nominations for next year's officers, though, and I guess it's kind of weird knowing that in about a month and a half, my time as Spectrum President will be over. This year's been terrific, though; we have about four times as many people coming to the meetings right now as we did this time last year, we accomplished a hell of a lot of stuff this year, and I know that whoever takes over for me will be able to keep the group growing. Still, I think I'm going to miss being the one in charge of everything.
posted 2004/03/24 at 22:20
How does the universe know how to pile shit on me so well?
I know that I need to do what I can to not let certain people hurt me, but some people seem to have so much hate for me that I can't help but be hurt. I just try not to hurt back. I've hurt too many people before, and I just try not to hurt anyone intentionally. Sometimes I still hurt people by accident, though, and as hard as I try to make things up, sometimes it just doesn't work.
It just feels like I never be sorry enough, or perfect enough, or just ... enough. What am I supposed to do?
posted 2004/03/21 at 05:07
I don't want to say that my birthday party didn't go well. I certainly appreciate everyone who came out, including a certain someone who ignored my orders not to give me presents but managed to get away with it by giving me something from the heart. Thank you, all of you.
But that doesn't change the fact that I spent the first half of today not getting out of bed because I was so depressed, and then spending six hours this evening, and into this morning, looking at the personal Website of someone I don't even know. And all in all, I'm feeling about as low as I can remember feeling for a long, long time.
First of all, an explanation of an earlier post: the reason my birthday party plans almost changed was because I decided to have everyone meet at a local pizza place so we could all play DDR together. (Yes, despite my earlier statements that I would never play in public, enough members of Spectrum expressed interest in DDR that I figured I could bear to play in front of them.) Unfortunately, the night before the party, I found out on a DDR bulletin board that a whole bunch of real good players were planning on hitting the same place that night. So either I had to cancel my party (or at least postpone it), or keep the party on that day and time and try to work around the other people. I chose the latter, and although I didn't have any direct interaction with the real good players, I could tell that they weren't too happy about me bringing a bunch of newbies to "their" night at DDR. (And for what it's worth I still consider myself a newbie, albeit not a total newbie.)
So that set an undercurrent to the party that no amount of socializing with my friends could totally squelch. What really hurt, though, was that someone very special to me not only didn't make the party, and didn't even tell me she wouldn't make it, but she didn't even call to wish me a happy birthday. I try not to get into this kind of closely personal stuff in my online journal, but that really killed the whole night for me, and made everything seem not worth it. (For those of you keeping track, I'm not talking about my best friend here; I still haven't heard from her for the past sixteen months.)
Combine all that with the stream of rejection letters that have been coming my way from MFA programmes -- and it'd be so much easier to take if I had at least one acceptance in there, but that hasn't happened yet -- and I'm just feeling totally devastated. It's like no matter how hard I work to get perfect grades and near-perfect GREs, no matter how hard I work to be a more sociable, friendly, and all-around better person, it's never going to be enough. Nothing I do, it seems, will stop me from being seen as the biggest loser on the planet, and if people don't have a good reason to disrespect or hurt me, they'll just make one up. I have a lot more to say about this, but I have a feeling that's going to have to wait until a Backwash column or even a .journal entry.
Oh, and since it's officially the 21st now, happy birthday to my father, whom I would ask to please stay alive because I have a feeling you're going to have to be the one to pay off my college loans when all is said and done.
posted 2004/03/19 at 13:01
<Marv Albert Voice>University of Oregon ... REJECTED!</Marv Albert Voice>
Zero for five. I'm starting to think this is empirical proof that the universe hates me, and I can never be good enough for anyone or anything.
posted at 00:00
The birthday booty from the folks: to bolster my Oh My Goddess! manga collection, Queen Sayoko and Hand in Hand (which isn't on Amazon for some reason), the Massive Attack CDs 100th Window and Mezzanine, and at long last, the Björk Live Box boxed set. (I was hoping someone would get that for me soon, because it always seems to slip my mind for me to buy it.) Not too bad.
So an evening with the folks was nice. What wasn't nice was that my dance pad has now gone completely on the fritz, and I've got to give it to my father to see if he can figure out what to do with it. If he can't do anything, then I'm going to have to start hitting my friends up for some cash so I can get a metal pad and just be done with it.
Oh, and I'm sure many of you love that March Madness and all that has started, but when it puts Letterman off this late (there's still a game on while I'm typing this), I get pissed. I'm just saying is all.
And to top everything else off, my plans for my birthday party tomorrow may have just gone completely sour. It's one thing to make an ass of myself in front of my friends. They understand. (Hell, they're used to it.) But there may be some intruders on my party tomorrow, and I'm not sure if they'll be friendly or not. It's one thing for me to walk out of someone else's party when I'm uncomfortable, but to walk out of my own birthday party? It could happen. Seriously.
posted 2004/03/18 at 12:41
Well, here's a wonderful start to my birthday: a rejection letter from Sarah Lawrence. So that's four out of the seven schools I applied to that have turned me down, and no acceptances as yet. I've applied for an MA in English Literature at UT just in case I go 0-for-7 (because getting back into UT will be a given), but I was really thinking I'd finally break free of Toledo after all the good grades and test scores and all of that. Le sigh.
posted 2004/03/17 at 23:56
Is it just me, or does Stephanie Birkitt in a leprechaun hat and suit look uncomfortably like Kid Rock? Just asking.
T-minus a few minutes until the big two-*cough cough cough* ... sorry, guess I still haven't gotten over this cold. Hope my Spectrum friends enjoy the strippers I'm going to be sending to the meeting tomorrow night in my absence. (Don't tell any of them, okay?)
posted 2004/03/16 at 16:23
Like I said, we had real good weather here in Toledo for a while, but now we've got about three inches of snow on the ground. Not entirely out of character for this time of year, granted, but I'd gotten so used to the clear ground and mild temperatures that now it's kind of a real pain. Especially since I had a filling replaced yesterday, so now I've got this one tooth that's real sensitive to the cold weather and every time I'm outside for long periods of time it's like, "AAH!"
For those of you who don't keep close track of these sorts of things, my birthday is on Thursday. Given the disaster of last year's birthday, I'll actually be spending that evening in the company of my family, leaving Spectrum in the hands of one of my friends. My actual party will be Friday, and while I can't say where it is or what it will involve, let's just say I should make a right fool of myself. But at this point I think I need to be a bit foolish, so I can hopefully take my mind off the whole grad school thing for awhile.
As always, if you want to give me something for my birthday, use the Amazon link at the top of the page to buy something for yourself so I get a bit of a commission. Never been that much on presents and such, except from my family.
posted 2004/03/15 at 23:42
I don't like to talk that much about my DDR accomplishments, because by most players' standards they aren't much, but on Saturday I was finally able to pass "Maxx Unlimited" on Light. For me that's quite an accomplishment, but like I said, to most DDR players that ain't nothin'. For those of you who don't DDR, though, let me ask you this: how can anyone be expected to jump four times in less than a second? I still can't feel my calf muscles, I swear.
posted at 01:35
New on Backwash: "I Can't Believe I'm Defending Howard Stern". Pretty much what the title suggests.
posted 2004/03/13 at 23:40
My counselor keeps telling me that if I go into something expecting bad things to happen, they usually will happen. I think I need to listen to her more often.
posted 2004/03/11 at 01:37
Dilemma, dilemma, dilemma ...
One of my Spectrum friends is having a party Friday night. In fact, she's one of my best friends, as we're spiritually very similar to each other. I enjoy her company a tremendous amount. But when I hear the word "party", it just doesn't bring good images to mind. I was at one of her parties a year and a half ago and had a good time, but I was in a much different frame of mind then.
I'm probably going to go, but there's a large part of me that's concerned that I'm just setting myself up here, that I'm going to go, sit off in a corner and watch everyone else have fun, and wonder to myself why I can't have fun like they do. And I'm not just talking an alcohol thing here; when I get to this level of depression, I just get the feeling that there's something fundamentally wrong with me because I can't just kick back and enjoy myself like everyone else is seemingly able to do.
And on top of that all, the theme of the party is the 80s, and unlike most of the people who will be there, I remember enough about the 80s to know that there is precious little from that decade worth celebrating. (And this isn't just a Reagan thing.)
posted 2004/03/10 at 02:45
I think I managed to bite this infection in the ear pretty early. I've still got a lot of congestion, but otherwise I'm fine; I'm back to playing DDR and drinking milk and I feel like I'll be well over this by my birthday. So yay for that. Or something.
But of course into my life a great deal of crap must fall. I had plans on ways to spend the break involving my friends, and so far none of them have been calling me to figure out what we were going to do, in spite of assurances that they would do so. (This infection isn't contagious, so I know I couldn't have given it to them.) I finally called the one friend who I'd most been looking forward to spending time with over the break, and she kind of gave me the cold shoulder.
You know, it was bad enough when I was thinking that I'd be going off to grad school somewhere far, far away, because it would mean separation from all the friends I've finally made here in Toledo. Then I realized that I'll probably end up staying here after all is said and done, and while I was looking forward to blazing new trails elsewhere, I realized that at least I'd be able to keep in touch with all of the friends I've made here. Now it looks like I'll be stuck here in town, and my friends don't want to have much at all to do with me. This, folks, is my life in a nutshell.
posted 2004/03/07 at 23:37
Because I know this is information that you're all dying to know, here's pretty much how my sinus infections go down (I always get a few of these a year, even in the summertime):
Day One: Wake up with a sore throat, think it's nothing. About halfway through the day I get a shooting pain in my ear when I try to swallow, alerting me that something is up. Sinuses start running like crazy; speaking becomes very difficult.
Days Two and Three: Hell. Entire head goes into revolt. Throat becomes insanely raw; speaking is next to impossible. Hard to consume anything other than salty snacks and grape/orange soda (all of which really help when you're sick, by the way; the salt and acid do make things a bit easier). Sleeping only possible as long as the cold medicine lasts; when it loses strength, it's right back to waking up.
Days Four and Five: Things get slightly better. Breathing becomes easier, throat becomes manageable. Some talking possible. Begin to cough up nasty brown-looking gunk; snot turns yellow and there's always some ready to be blown out of the nose, leading to nostrils becoming raw and irritated. Full night's sleep possible but unlikley.
Days Six and Seven: Conditions continue to ease. Usually possible to go off of cold medicine at this point and return to normal diet. (Can't have any milk/ice cream earlier because they kick my mucus production into overtime.) Talking okay, but not for long periods of time. Coughing gradually goes away, but usually have a bunch of junk to hack up after waking up. Sleep schedule returns to normal.
Days Eight through Fourteen: Symptoms gradually ease, at some point leveling off to acceptable conditions. Usually in here there's one last "big hack" that hits me out of nowhere during the day that feels like it's the last of it, but it usually isn't.
So for those of you scoring at home (if you're not, try flowers), I will most likely still have a bit of this to get over when my birthday hits a week from this coming Friday. And I'll most certainly be battling this infection all the way through Spring Break. Fun, huh?
By the way, there won't be a Backwash column this weekend because I've been too wiped to do much of anything this weekend. I haven't found too many interesting links this past week anyway; hopefully I can return to form next week.
posted 2004/03/05 at 16:51
It's the start of spring break, it's actually seventy degrees and partly cloudy outside right now, just a gorgeous day ... and I fucking had to go and get a fucking sinus infection! Cripes, is it like some sort of tradition for me to get sick during Spring Break? Especially this year, since I might actually have fun stuff to do over break? Criminy.
posted 2004/03/03 at 23:40
I just got a fax from ClearChannel telling me that I've been fired for violating decency standards. Go figure, huh?
I'm Sean Shannon, and I approved this post because I'm a freaking moron.
posted 2004/03/01 at 15:20
Add the University of Michigan to the list of schools that just doesn't want me, in spite of my having had a couple of uncles and a couple of cousins who went there. And to add insult to injury, in spite of Michigan being the only place I applied to that specifically includes transgendered people in their non-discrimination clause, and in spite of my mentioning being a transsexual in my application, they still addressed the rejection letter to a "Mr. Sean Shannon".
I think I'm going to go insane. Seriously.
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