posted 2003/03/31 at 11:59
The Spectrum computer had been going on the fritz recently, but now it finally seems to have bitten the dust. We were having hard disk problems that made the computer much slower than usual (and it was only a Pentium MMX 200 to start with), and now we can't even get it to boot. And we don't really have the money to replace it, nor do we really know how to go about asking the University for a new computer.
So in the meantime, I'm stuck using an old iMac here in the office for Internet access. I've never really liked Macs (and I don't want to kick off a Mac vs. PC debate -- I just don't find the Mac interface all that intuitive), and now I'm getting to learn exactly how bad the "hockey puck" mouse is. One thing that bothers me, though, is that I just checked the .org on here, and the page layout is kind of funny in Mac IE 5. I've never really studied CSS that much, and I just made the .org so it looked okay on my home computer, which runs PC IE 5.5. Can anyone with CSS knowledge help me figure out what's wrong with my CSS code, so that hopefully I can make the site look more elegant under older browsers?
posted 2003/03/29 at 21:00
I've been thinking about the war recently, and the feelings it's been drawing out in me. One of the big things that's been bothering me is how people who are against the war are being misrepresented, marginalized, harrassed, abused and so on. We're already seeing the effects of blacklisting, I lost track of the number of protestor arrests a long time ago, and of course I'd refer you to fair.org for nice details on how the media's going along with all of this shit for nothing more than business purposes. (Hey, war sells, you know?)
I've always said that I've never really seen myself as a patriot, but I'm really beginning to wonder. I don't think I'd be so angry about what's going on if I weren't so appalled by the supression of free speech and exchange of ideas, ideas that the United States of America, at least in principle, upholds. In practice ... that's another story. And honestly, I'm offended that so many people view me as somehow being less of an American because of my objections to this war. So maybe I do have a string of patriotism in me; it's just manifested in a way that I usually don't recognize it as such.
Oh, and even if the front page hasn't been that active lately (been dealing with stuff), the .forum has actually been pretty active lately. Big thanks to anikolas, Don and Joe for actually giving the .forum something resembling life.
posted 2003/03/26 at 22:19
How Can A Person Cope With Being Depressed & Suicidal ? - Depression & Suicide FAQ (Answers to Frequently Asked Questions) at DepressionFAQ.com
For those who asked. And for those who didn't ask, too.
posted 2003/03/24 at 23:52
I was half-tempted to do another "Fuck the Oscars" special this year, and watch Dancer in the Dark and Final Fantasy: the Spirits Within back-to-back. Somehow I ended up watching parts of the telecast instead, not really paying too much attention. It was nice to see Michael Moore do proud again; personally I thought going after Dubya like he did was a tactical mistake, as much as I may have agreed with the sentiment, but it was nice to see him stick to his guns. Oh, and to the people who booed his speech: fuck you mightily.
I've still got a boatload of personal issues I'm trying to deal with, but of course no one cares, and the people I thought I could trust would rather tell me to fuck off than help me. I guess I'm just dumb, huh? Well, nice to know where I stand with everyone at least.
posted 2003/03/23 at 20:29
Further attempts to get the book I need for class this week failed; I hit South Toledo today, searching at about five different places, and drawing blanks each time. I guess I was most surprised by how many stores I used to go to in malls and such have closed down; one of the arcades I used to frequent when I was little is now shut down, and I'm guessing the other one isn't far behind. I also passed by the Residence Inn where I stayed after the fire, and it's still so odd to look up to the window I used to look out of every night for nearly a year. In the end, though, I just wanted that damn book, and now I had to go e-mail my professor and let her know how much trouble I had finding it; hopefully I won't be the only one having such problems.
I have become such an expert at putting on a face of happiness when I'm so miserable. And, I mean, when you're just out shopping or something, it's not supposed to be that big a deal; the people around you don't know you, and they're not going to help you, so why not just act like everything is normal so then you can get done with your business as soon as possible? But I swear, it was so hard to do that today. I'm in a bad way again, and a large part of my support network feels like it's up and left in a huff, because I was "harshing their mellow" or somesuch. I don't know what to do, but I get the feeling that I'll be spending a lot more time than usual at home this week, trying to figure out just what in the hell to do.
posted 2003/03/21 at 16:59
You all already know my thoughts about what's happening, so I'll spare you any more of those.
Earlier today I was bopping from bookstore to bookstore, trying desperately to get a book for one of my classes next week (and failing). On the way home, though, I actually passed by a guy holding up a "WORK 4 FOOD SHELTER + CAR REPAIR" sign. That was a painful little reminder about what's really important to this country right now. I only hope people can see it that way come next November.
Oh, and Don: I actually perused through Japanese for Busy People at Barnes and Noble. Piece of advice: when you're reading, re-write all the examples out in kana. The biggest problem people have with learning Japanese (as I've discussed with my sensei) is that if people don't inundate themselves with kana from the beginning, they really can't grasp written skills all that well. Another of the reasons why I still advocate the Nakama books for learning.
posted 2003/03/19 at 17:59
So I hold a birthday party for myself and invite eleven other people. Even though I fed everyone -- at a superb Italian restaurant to boot -- only two people showed up. That doesn't exactly do my heart proud. Then I wound up at that night's Student Senate meeting, where I had to sit through a lot of parliamentary procedure before getting a chance to speak on something I've been working on for a while now. Not that I expected Student Senate to break procedure for me, but when you think of ways you'd like to spend the night of your birthday, that's not exactly one that comes to mind. More news on that to come next week, I hope.
So I didn't get home until after midnight, meaning that my parents didn't a chance to wish me happy birthday until after my birthday was over. I don't know what possessed them to stay up so long waiting for me -- I think it has something to do with that "love" word I keep hearing but don't understand -- but they waited. My birthday booty from them consisted of the Armitage III OVA DVD (one of the greatest OVAs of all time), and the 2003 Poet's Market. I also got a nice comforter from outside the immediate family, some nice cards, and then one of my Japanese professors presented me with a 24 karat gold bookmark that just about had me in tears when I saw it.
Speaking of tears, I had a meeting with my counselor earlier today, and while I was still depressed about how my birthday didn't turn out like I planned, it was actually talking about the impending war that got my eyes to water up. I have a horrible gift of empathy, and right now I can't help but feel all the vibes going off around the world about how wrong this all is. I'll be in class tonight when the 48-hour deadline passes; somehow I have the feeling that when I get back to my car and turn on public radio for the drive home, I'll be hearing about the first skirmishes.
You know what it feels like? It feels like one of those stories where this huge war or killing spree is about to break out, and this one child explodes in a ball of light that grinds everything to a halt and makes everyone rethink what it is they're about to do. I know that's not going to happen, but I just keep hoping for something, anything that will stop this mess before it starts.
posted at 01:13
I desperately have to get to bed here, but just let me say that you should never deliberately set your expectations low, because the universe will always find a way to make things turn out even worse. Big thanks to Tom, Maria, Terry, Donovan and my family, though, for giving me some cheer in my day. But right now I just want to go to bed and figure out how to explain this night to my counselor tomorrow.
posted 2003/03/18 at 00:18
So yeah, the first few minutes of my birthday. You wanna give me a birthday present, go to the .forum and start up a new topic there. Some of those folders are starting to gather dust.
My birthday present to you? Over in the .journal, a new entry: My birthday has been pre-empted by war coverage. Just guess what that one's about. I dare you.
More to come after I sleep and figure out what the hell to do with the rest of my birthday.
posted 2003/03/17 at 14:33
Remind me never to complain about the cold again. It's only about 65 right now, but because I'll be out until 2200 or so I brought my coat, and I'm just not feeling all that well thanks to this heat. How can 65 feel like layering weather in September, but shorts weather in March, huh? (Not that I'd wear shorts in public; no reason to subject you all to the horrors that are my legs.) There's still a snowbank here at UT that's three feet taller than I am, though; how long is it going to take to melt all this snow away?
I normally get introspective around my birthday, but I seem to be even more so this year. I've nearly patched everything up with the help of my counselor, and after tonight I'll hopefully only have one real sore spot to deal with, but that sore spot hurts. It's like now that all these other small problems are taken care of, this problem's taking up all the space the other problems did. It's like I can't escape misery at all; I can avoid it for a little while, but then it just keeps coming back to me.
I've done some real stupid stuff in my life, as some of the regulars in the .forum can attest to. Last year, after I moved back into the house, though, I jeopardized what was most precious to me for no reason. Afterwards, I deluded myself into thinking it was for the best, but I was just skirting this issue, trying to ignore it. This was the kind of thing you just can't ignore, and I should have known that. I've never ached for want of forgiveness like this before, and the worst part is that I know I don't deserve forgiveness. Maybe it's just the propsect of this war of aggression hanging over everyone right now, but there is just too much pain in this world. In the grand scheme of things, we can't keep holding on to stupidities and ignorances. And we shouldn't try to throw our own stupidities and ignorances onto each other's shoulders, because we all have too much to deal with on our own. I know some people can live on their own without the support of other people, but as far as I'm concerned that's no way to live. We have to stick together, through all the bad stuff.
But I guess all I can do is try to do my part to make things better. If other people don't want to go along, that's their decision, and as wrong as I think it may be, I'll always respect it. I can just hope that other people finally come back around to me. I'll be here waiting for them.
posted 2003/03/16 at 19:20
Today's actually the anniversary of my parents purchasing this house. Or can it really be called that house anymore? I mean, it's on the same property, it's on the old square footage, and a few of the floor supports are still left over from the old house, but is this that house or a totally new house? At the very least, it's better to be here than where I was this time last year.
So yeah, that's today, then tomorrow's St. Patty's Day, and the day after is ... can you remember? Screw it, I know you can't: Tuesday is my twenty-*cough cough cough* birthday. (Sorry, I'm still getting over that bug I caught from Maria.) So yeah, there's that, and I'm actually blowing my tax refund to hold a party for myself and a few friends. I waited all my life for someone other than my parents to hold a birthday party for me, and it's never happened, so I'll spend my own money this year and hopefully people will get the hint for next year.
At the very least we're finally getting that Feburary Thaw, halfway through March. We got up to 65 at the house today, and we neared 60 yesterday, and there are still yards in our neighbourhood blanketed in snow. I overheard that this was the seventh snowiest winter in Toledo history, and I fear that we may not be done yet -- that's always the way these things work. But going around campus tomorrow (spring break is over -- *pout*) should be a lot funner at least.
posted 2003/03/15 at 15:56
So ABC finally put on another Wings game this afternoon, and of course they have to start sucking when I watch them. Don't even get me started on them trading Kuzentsov away for yet another veteran who's really not going to add anything to the team. The Wings are just selling their future like crazy; their farm system is still one of the strongest around, but they're trading away so many young players for no good reason; we don't need more insurance for another cup. With Dallas and Colorado going so buck-wild this year anyway, I'm not sure if anything the Wings do could guarantee another cup like last year. I'd rather have more insurance of cup chances in the post-Yzerman era than another cup now.
Oh, this kind of got lost in my big absence: the first of the month was the ten-year anniversary of me becoming a vegetarian. And my father still thinks it's just a phase I'm going through. When do parents stop acting like parents, huh?
posted 2003/03/14 at 17:28
Getting caught up here ...
Last Wednesday I went to a local Poets Against the War reading. It was an interesting experience, if only so I could see a coffeehouse I hadn't been to yet -- Brewed Awakenings -- and get a good taste of the non-academic side of modern poetry. Unfortunately I don't find it any more suited to my tastes than the modern stuff I've been reading, but at least it was a good exposure for me.
I was hoping Bridgette would come to the reading -- I'd e-mailed her about it -- but either I left before she came, or there really weren't more than seven parking spots for the whole damn building. At least my representative, the wildly cool Marcy Kaptur, was at the big gathering in Washington, D.C., upping her in my books even more than she already was. I guess the prospect of war soon, combined with some of the stuff I've been doing in Spectrum lately, has my political senses tingling again. More on that later.
posted 2003/03/13 at 15:57
Okay, I guess I'm back for now. Something happened earlier this month that just threw me for a loop, and it's been taking me a while to find my bearings again.
I don't know what it is, though. My counselor's been helping me take care of all these problems, but it seems like as I take care of each problem, another one comes up in its place. It's always the problems I shouldn't worry about that I end up worrying about. It's always the problems I shouldn't even try to fix that I always attempt to fix. For now, anyway, I think I've done all I can do, and the ball is no longer in my court. What happens now is out of my control, and while I never do a good job at accepting when things are out of my hands, at least I can recognize that they are in this instance.
So anyway, midterms were last week, and this week is spring break, but all the while I've been having to deal with a bit of a cold that I probably picked up from Maria a couple of weeks ago. I had to go off my diet earlier in the week because of the cold, and of course I never feel good about that, but I guess what's done is done. I'm a bit behind where I wanted to be on schoolwork at this point, but I'm pretty sure I can catch up without too much of a problem. I just hope I can actually focus on that, because between the cold and the other problems I've been having lately, I really don't feel up to much. At least now I think I'll be back here on a regular basis again, for a little while anyway. Unless something else comes up.
posted 2003/03/10 at 16:50
Be back soon. I don't know when, but soon.
posted 2003/03/01 at 19:44
Hey, you. You, the one I haven't e-mailed since November. Yeah, you.
This silence isn't getting us anywhere. I'm trying to tie up too many loose ends in my life right now, and it's too much for me to be dealing with all of this when you keep popping up in my mind. I told you I fucked up. I told you how much you hurt me. You told me I should believe what I want to believe. Tell me what to believe.
Let's cut the bullshit. No more pseudonyms, no more lies, no more hiding of emotions. I hate hating you like this, and if that person you let me glimpse at was the real you, I'm guessing you hate this as well. I thought there was no fixing this situation, and I've been living in that mindset for nearly six months now. I can go on the rest of my life thinking that way if I have to. But right now all I want to do, if you're willing, is to try to patch things up.
If you don't want to give it a shot, then just forget everything, forget me. I'm not about to force you into anything you're uncomfortable with. You do what you want to do. I'll be waiting.
-- Sean
copyright © 2008 Sean Shannon