posted 2003/02/27 at 22:55
Maria, in case I forgot to tell you tonight: you're incredible. Thanks for bailing me out.
posted 2003/02/26 at 22:06
I spent a good part of today looking at poetry journals, just taking a look at what's out there. I'm really beginning to wonder if there is room for me in modern poetics; nearly all of the modern stuff (meaning from the past ten years or so) I'm reading is just so stagnant. I mean, it's nice and all, technically sound, and the poems aren't bad, it's just that there's no real oomph behind them.
I mention this because I had been giving serious thought to getting my MFA once I get out of UT, and to try to get a professorship somewhere. The problem is that you really can't get a professorship, or even acceptance to the more prestigious MFA programs, without being published, and I don't really see myself writing in the style which seems to be so popular these days. I don't really know what to do.
posted 2003/02/25 at 11:30
You know, there's a word in Japanese meaning to not be good at something. The word is heta. It's comprised of two kanji -- the kanji for underneath, and the kanji for hand. The way things have been going lately, I'm wondering if I shouldn't just get those kanji tattooed on my face.
posted 2003/02/22 at 23:33
My meeting with my counselor yesterday went really well; she's really helping me get attuned to what it is I'm feeling right now, where all of these negative emotions are coming from. I've still got a lot of things I have to deal with in terms of cutting my problems off at the source, but that's going to be a long and slow process. At least now I feel like I know what it is I've got to do, and hopefully I can start doing it soon.
We almost thawed out today, but the Winter From Hell is continuing. We never got above thirty degrees in January, and the normal high for Toledo at that time of year is thirty-two; we've gotten above freezing a few times this month, but every time it seems like the last banks of snow are going to melt away, down comes another fresh batch. We've already had over forty inches of snow since November, and this latest batch looks like it's going to drop about another seven inches on us -- and we only had seven inches of snow all last winter. And of course there's another storm ready to come in Monday morning, right when I have to drive off to school. Sigh.
posted 2003/02/20 at 20:49
"If you could be any kind of tree, what kind of tree would you be and why?"
"I'd be a dead tree because I wish I was dead."
posted at 14:53
I was able to cope with things for a few days there, but today as I was showering I just got the feeling that things were not going to go well today. I feel like just going home right now, crawling under the covers and trying to wait all this stuff out. But I've run away too often before, and I know that I just have to get through this somehow. I've already lost a lot as a result of all of this, and in a lot of ways it doesn't feel like I have any more to lose. Tomorrow's appointment with my counselor can't come soon enough.
posted 2003/02/18 at 18:17
Yahoo! News - Bush: Protests Won't Change Iraq Policy -- I'll just quote the salient passage here: "Declaring that America's security should not be dictated by protestors ..."
Huh. Hey Dubya, those "protestors" are the same people who elected you ... oh that's right, they didn't, did they? Well, don't worry, you just go ahead and piss on world sentiment, and if 2004 gets down to the wire again, they'll find a way to keep you right where you are now.
posted 2003/02/17 at 16:25
While I haven't been hit by this snowstorm as bad as Don has, driving to school today was treacherous to say the least. I didn't see any accidents on the way here, but I saw more fishtails than a salmon stream during spawning season. And of course the great joy is that I have an early evening meeting here that's keeping me on campus longer than usual, and a quick look at radar shows that this storm just isn't going to let up anytime soon. Beautiful.
Mindless Self-Indulgence is actually in town tonight, but I hadn't made any plans to see them. I don't know, a Mindless Self-Indulgence show is one of those things that would really touch on those parts of my personality that I'm still trying to develop, but at the same time I know that if I went there I'd just be totally lost. Better to stay at home and listen to their music than go to the atmosphere of one of their concerts. At least for now.
I started relapsing into suicidal thinking last night. Not that I've got any more impetus to act on my thoughts than I've ever had, but I'm not seeing the light at the end of this tunnel that I thought I saw a few days before. And I have to wait until Friday to see my counselor again. Hope I can make it until then.
posted 2003/02/15 at 19:04
Well, I did get one gift this past Valentine's Day: as I was getting all the paperwork I needed around to do my taxes, I found out that E*Trade, unbeknownst to me, sold off all the shares I'd accumulated in my mutual fund, and at a hefty loss as that. Sheesh.
So yeah, I spent Valentine's Day filing my taxes as well as my FAFSA (a requirement for most of the scholarships I'll be applying to over the next couple of weeks). On the one hand, it was good to get that done, especially since I've got a pretty hefty homework load today. On the other hand, I was doing my freaking taxes on Valentine's Day. What's wrong with me?
(Don't answer that last question, it was rhetorical.)
posted 2003/02/14 at 16:55
DON'T FUCKING TALK TO ME ABOUT FUCKING VALENTINE'S DAY.
posted 2003/02/13 at 21:59
In between classes, appointments and Spectrum business today, I saw Maria in the Student Union. I had no time to talk with her (I was dangerously close to being late for a very special appointment at that time), but I could tell how much pain she's still in over what's been going on in her life these past few weeks, just by the look on her face. I want so much to be able to talk with her about what's been going on, to give her a shoulder to cry on, but at the same time I have to recognize and respect all that I've got going on in my own life. I mean, me going to a counselor like I have is pretty much an admission that I'm having too much trouble getting my own life together. So how can I feel like I have the authority or power to help anyone else?
Things are getting better, but it's a slow process. Today felt more like a step back than a step forward, but there are always going to be steps back in a process like this. I just have to keep living one day at a time here, doing the best I can in the here and now, and hoping like mad that it gets me through things. And I know I will get through things. I just don't know how yet.
posted 2003/02/11 at 22:45
New in the .journal: "Suicidal Thoughts and Me". A look back to a nightmare that happened earlier this morning, then back forty years (have you figured out what was so special about today yet?), then back to my current bout of depression and suicidal thoughts. Nothing too profound (that nightmare caused me to lose a lot of needed shut-eye), but something I figured I needed to write about, especially on this day more than any other.
So if you haven't figured it out yet, go read the entry. And hopefully I'll be back soon with something more intelligent.
posted 2003/02/10 at 21:46
Yahoo! News - 'Dell Dude' Arrested on Drug Charge
Let's see, the United States is getting ready to colonize Iraq and kill scores of innocent civilians in the process, the NASA budget is about to get gutted to feed the so-called war on terror, Dubya's about to plunge the country into worse deficits than even his daddy's buddy, the Red Wings are on the winless streak of a lifetime, and this is news? Like anyone couldn't tell that guy was tokin' it up on a regular basis just by looking at him? Good gravy.
On another note, I made a point of watching Dragnet last night, and came away quite impressed. I watched enough of the original (on Nick at Nite ... sheesh, I'm not that old) to say that I think the new rendition does the original justice. This may be the first network show I'll make a point of watching since The Weakest Link. But I question ABC bringing in Ed O'Neill to do Joe Friday so closely after debuting Katey Segal in her new sitcom. I half-swear that joke about the shoes in Sunday's Dragnet was meant as a wink-wink to Married ... with Children. And why the hell not, that was one of the best series I've ever seen.
(Ever notice I tend to turn to current events and television when I don't have anything else I feel comfortable talking about? Don't worry, you'll all get something special here tomorrow. Do you know the significance of tomorrow?)
posted 2003/02/09 at 19:50
Do you want me to comment on this? Because I won't.
posted 2003/02/06 at 22:13
You know, I feel like one of those children who has just seen one of those horrific car crashes, but instead of anyone coming to explain what happened to me, they hire a goddamn clown to blow balloons and stuff right opposite the car crash. So even though I'm supposed to have my back turned to everything and ignore it all, I can still hear the real suffering behind me, and I'll internalize the pain of the experience. And did I mention that I fucking hate clowns?
Nothing broke tonight. It has to soon, though. If this situation doesn't break of its own accord, then I'll just have to burst the bubble myself. But I will not continue to be put through the shit I've had to deal with these past three months.
posted at 19:27
I've got a real bad feeling about tonight. All the tensions I've been experiencing for the past three months seem to be coming to a head, and there could be some real bad things happening to me real soon. I've gotten as prepared as possible for the worst, but recently a lot more than the worst I could think of has happening. I will get through this, but I don't know how quite yet.
posted 2003/02/05 at 14:09
Hara-sensei is the best Japanese professor I've ever had. (Besides Chino-sensei, of course.)
(Sorry, just demonstrating the power of Blogger for a potential client. Yes, a potential client.)
posted 2003/02/04 at 23:35
My first counseling appointment was earlier today (way earlier -- don't even ask me when I got up), and I think things are going to go well with that. I've got a good feeling about my counselor, kind of like I had with the counselor I was forced to see in private school. (Long story.)
Still, I am caught in a precarious place. I know that help is on the way, but it's not here yet. I still feel caught in the struggle of just trying to get through each day in one piece, and I know I'll still have to fight that every day for a while here. All the while people are still putting up impediments in my way, and it would be so easy to give up (especially when I'm as sleep-deprived as I am now), but I must burst through them. I simply must.
Back to reading ... I swear between my computer time and my textbooks, I'm not going to have eyes in five years' time, just eviscerated white gobules poking out from the middle of my face.
posted 2003/02/03 at 18:26
Yahoo! News - Sylvia Plath's Daughter Pens Condemnation of Film
The story of Ted Hughes and Sylvia Plath is a love story like my the story of my sex life is something that needed something more than the head of a pin to be written out. Like I told one of my English teachers once, all modern women poets are jealous of cancer, because it got to kill Ted Hughes and we didn't.
posted at 01:10
So while I was taking a break from homework, I figured I'd finally cut a mix CD with all the songs I've been wanting to listen to lately. But when I go to start ripping CDs, my CD-R drive doesn't want to do anything. Not even open. So I power down my computer and check the connections to the CD-R drive, then power back up. The computer freezes in boot-up, then when I reboot from there all of a sudden I have no video drivers, and get stuck at 640 by 480, 16 colour, so the fact that my CD-R drive is now working properly isn't exactly exciting me. After not a few attempts, I finally get the video drivers reinstalled and the CD made, but good grief the last thing in the world I need right now is to have my computer die on me.
This thing's living on a wing and a prayer right now as it is. The fan hasn't worked in over a year and a half, so I have to keep running the thing with the case open, and dust just collects all over the place. Not to mention that I fried two hard drives in this thing, one shortly before the house fire then again right as I started my first full-time semester at UT, and right now I'm only running on six gigs. It still does what I need it to do, but I'd still like it to do more, you know?
I've actually been thinking about my next computer purchase recently, although I really can't do anything about it right now because I'm flat broke. But my father's converting one of our really old PCs (the first one I bought with my own money, actually -- a Pentium 133 from what was then Gateway 2000) into a music station, and with all my composition stuff on that computer, provided I backed everything off of this computer for future reference, I could finally go Linux. But making the adjustment would probably be difficult, and with my closest Linux guru just coming back from his honeymoon, I don't want to have to pester him with a whole bunch of questions about what I'm doing. But I also don't like that all the Windows computers these days don't come with the actual Windows CD, only a reinstall CD that blows away all your old data. (You don't want to know how many of my computer problems I've solved just by reinstalling Windows on top of itself.)
As if I don't have more pressing concerns right now, I know. But the way things are going, I'm half expecting my computer to catch fire before I get this entry posted. Let's see if I can beat it out ...
posted 2003/02/01 at 21:02
It's hard to know what to write about at this point. I mean, I was downstairs just now getting my dinner around and the folks were watching Cops, and I've never been able to stand that show. Don't get me wrong, I admire the job that policepeople do, but that television show just seems to be about nothing but human suffering broadcast for other peoples' enjoyment. Sound familiar?
I will find a way out of this. My first counseling appointment is set for Tuesday, and hopefully my counselor will help me find some answers. But I am not going to let this go, and I am not going to give up.
copyright © 2008 Sean Shannon