posted 2003/01/26 at 16:56
No, I'm not going to kill myself. Like I've said on here before, violence never solves anything, and that includes violence against one's own self. But that doesn't stop me from thinking about suicide when I get this low down, and that scares me more than anyone could know.
That's the problem with this ultra-logical mind of mine -- it sees a huge problem in that people either refuse to acknowledge how much pain I'm in, refuse to respect that pain, or just plain enjoy seeing me suffer. So my mind looks for solutions to help others realize how much pain I'm in, and it realizes that everyone would take things a whole hell of a lot more seriously if I committed suicide. Sure, I wouldn't be around to see their reactions, but hopefully the next time they ran into someone like me, they'd treat that person with more seriousness and respect than they treated me. (My magnanimous streak gone amock.)
But I can't do that. So I'm still stuck in limbo, searching for answers to problems that may not have solutions. But I can't run away like I did last time something like this happened; not only do I not have a support net in place like I did last time, but if I run away now, I know that I'll always run away, that all anyone would ever have to do is push me just the tiniest bit and I would crumble to what they wanted. So I have to keep thinking.
posted 2003/01/25 at 01:07
I think I've finally come to terms with the fact that I can never, ever be happy. I don't mean happy like all those overly enthusiastic people you always seem to run into like bad pennies, or the false happiness of drugs. I mean just being able, if only in rare instances, to be able to sit back and actually feel something apart from total and complete despair. I'll never be able to do that. Never.
When it comes down to it, people are just going to hurt you too much for you to really enjoy life. Maybe they do it out of malice. Maybe they do it because it makes them feel better about themselves. Maybe they just do it because they're bored and have nothing better to do. But they do it, and no matter how much it pains you, no matter how hard it makes your sleep, no matter what thoughts enter your head, no one's going to do anything to stop it. Not even the people who purport to be your friends.
I mean, it's like a couple of kids torturing an ant on a hot summer day, isn't it? First the kids tear the ant's legs off, then they puddle water around the ant to make it start drowning, and then finally they pull out the magnifying glass, focus a sunbeam on what is left of the ant's carcass, and incinerate it. And does anyone stop the kids from torturing the ant? If anything, they gather round and laugh at the spectacle. Watching someone else get tortured is always much more fun than trying to stop the torture.
Believe me, that magnifying glass has been over my head for too long now. I don't even know what inside me has propelled me to survive this long, but it's not going to hold out much longer. And when that's gone, what's going to be left of me but a burnt-out shell? And how many people are so amused by the fact that I am in total and complete agony and no one is going to do anything about it?
I can't take this anymore.
posted 2003/01/23 at 20:05
How did the universe know that this would be the absolute worst day for me to read "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" in class?
I just can't handle anything anymore.
posted 2003/01/22 at 23:24
Yeah, I'm still here. Life kind of decided to throw a great big test in my path here, and I'm having to deal with that in my own way. Thankfully I flipped over into EVIL, VINDICTIVE BITCH mode a while back, and I'm going to need every part of the not-so-nice aspects of my personality that I can muster to get through this. As some of you can attest to, woe be the person who underestimates to what lengths I will go to right a wrong.
So yeah, that's that. This semester seems to be alternately freeing and hectic, but I'm not really paying things that close an attention right now. I'm just trying to get through each day as best I can, figuring out my battle plans. I just hope that I can get this over with as soon as possible, because I'd rather focus on my studies than on this unpleasant situation. (Small s -- for now.)
posted 2003/01/16 at 22:44
Running away from your problems never solves them, and it's hardly the most mature thing to do. But if you don't know of a more mature way to handle a problem than running away, what are you supposed to do?
posted 2003/01/14 at 18:01
My Uncle Sanford died earlier this morning. He woke up in the middle of the night with trouble breathing, they rushed him to the hospital but there was no saving him. He'd been diagnosed with a congestive heart problem, but it was supposed to take several more years before it became something serious. So now the folks are up in Michigan trying to take care of things.
Sanford was two years younger than my father, so of course now this is forcing us all to consider the mortality of my father, which is never a pleasant thought. Worse yet, Grandma Shannon lost her husband less than two years ago, and she's still not coping with that all that well. The folks should be home sometime tonight, and I have the feeling that we're all in for some unpleasant thoughts and conversations in the coming days.
posted 2003/01/13 at 20:37
Why can't I ever sleep the night before the semester starts? It's not like I'm nervous or anything. I guess my brain just feels like it needs to get in shape, so it starts going and just won't stop until I finally collapse in my bed on a heap. At least I've gotten the first day out of the way -- just seventy-eight more to go this semester, right? Sigh.
Oh, and to clarify my request for the Whoopi theme song: I'm looking for the more mellow piece used going to commercial and in the end credits, not the more up-tempo piece used during the intro. Although given how long I've been searching for it, I doubt any of you will have much more luck finding it.
posted 2003/01/12 at 22:53
Okay, those of you who do the file-sharing thing, I've got a little challenge for you, because nobody I know has been able to help me with this.
About ten years ago Whoopi Goldberg had her own late night talk show, and it was pretty much the best late night show since Carson's retirement. The format borrowed heavily from Bob Costas' original Later mold, although Whoopi didn't keep bringing things back to herself like Costas has a tendency to. Anyway, Robbie Robertson wrote the theme music for the show, and I have been searching forever for it. I don't know if it's something that's on one of Robertson's CDs, but it's certainly not on any television theme song compilations. Help me out, will ya?
posted at 16:59
I just went over to the folks' office so I could use PageMaker and get my schedule for the semester printed out all nice and neat for everyone. This is always the thing that sets the semester in stone in my mind. In a way, I like the regularity of the semester and all that entails, but at the same time I know that I've only got a few more hours of freedom here to just totally goof off. (And even at that I'll be reading some Plath and doing some Japanese drills to get myself ready for the next semester.) So excuse me while I enjoy these last few hours of vacation.
posted 2003/01/11 at 20:41
So until I can get cable or satellite back here, I'm stuck watching Red Wings games on the ABC national feed, which means I get all of five games this season. And to make matters worse, the first of those games was today, and the Wings lost. Sigh. I still love the Wings, but I'm still sore about the whole Osgood thing. What can I say?
posted 2003/01/10 at 18:33
Maria and I had to go back to UT yesterday to take care of some business, so I got the chance to hang out with her again. I don't understand why, but I feel a calm when I'm around Maria that I feel around few other people. There's nothing between us (get your minds of the gutter, peeps), but she and I appreciate each other's company in a way that I can't even begin to describe.
Anyway, classes resume on Monday. My first 4000-level courses, plus I'm having a hard time coming up with textbook money. Sheesh. Wish me luck.
posted 2003/01/07 at 17:56
I just ran over to the University to ask some questions about my most recent, rather puzzling degree audit. Sure enough, I caught some bugs in the most recent revision of their software. (Why must I always be the one to do those things?) Anyway, that should be straightened out soon, but good grief did my last audit look like a mess.
While I was there I made some inquiries, and it turns out that I don't need a couple of the courses I was registered for this spring. So I'm going to drop those, but the problem is that all the other courses I wanted to take are already filled up. Hopefully I can now make some use out of being the darling of so many of my English teachers, and have them sign me into their classes, but we'll see how that goes. If I don't register for more courses I won't get any money back (meaning I'll essentially be taking the replacement courses for free), so I'm hoping to find something to fill the gap with. We'll see how that goes.
posted 2003/01/05 at 20:22
I don't think I've seen a more entertaining day of football in some time. I may have been rooting against the Steelers last week, but of course I cheer for anyone against Cleveland, and it was so wonderful to see the Tommy Maddox engineer another comeback to stab Browns fans right in the heart. No matter how bad the Bengals get, at least I can take some comfort that at least they made it to the Super Bowl in their past, something that can't be said about another football team from Ohio, heh heh heh. And good grief, that Giants-49ers game was a nail-biter. We need more unnecessary roughness like that.
Oh, and I didn't particularly care about the whole BCS debate, but any system that lets Ohio Fucking State University ...oh excuse me, THE Ohio Fucking State University be national champions has got to go. Seriously.
posted 2003/01/04 at 00:29
You know, you can't remember how overwhelming it can be to spend the day in the company of a good friend, until you actually do it for the first time in forever.
Gracias, Maria.
posted 2003/01/02 at 21:28
Well, I finally got to the end of Final Fantasy IX tonight, and I can definitely rank the game as one of the better Final Fantasies out there. I agree somewhat with the argument that the plot gets too contrived at the end, but honestly it doesn't bother me that much. I'm sure I'll go back at some point just to see if I really can get a perfect score in the card game, but not now, thank you.
I've only got about a week and a half of vacation left here, and I don't want to spend all that time video gaming. (Especially since I'll be hanging out with Maria tomorrow.) Once the semester starts, I really won't have time to devote to a game that's new to me, so maybe I'll chill with one of the older Final Fantasies I've beaten thirty-seven times. Or maybe I'll dip into my non-RPG lineup to see if I can find something there. (I was actually playing Panzer Dragoon Zwei on my Saturn just now.) We'll see. But for now, I've got to clean my room for Maria.
copyright © 2008 Sean Shannon