posted 2007/03/18 at 17:02
As opposed to last year's huge trip to Raleigh, this year I'm spending a quiet birthday here at the house with my family. Granted, it's not like I have the money to be doing any long roadtrips right now, but at this point it's hard not to assume that this will be my last birthday as a resident of this house. I plan on coming back here for my birthdays after I move out (especially if, as I hope, I remain within daytripping distance), but once I have my own place, I figure that birthdays and Christmases and stuff will feel a whole lot different.
This morning I woke up and realized that, for the first time in a long while, I was thinking about the best friend I'd ever had my whole life. It's been about four and a half years since I abandoned her when she needed me the most, and even though I've moved on for the most part, it's been hard not to feel like every bad thing that's happened to me since then has been thanks to all the bad karma that incident engendered. The events of this past summer may be why I'm thinking of her again, because I was faced with a similar situation and I once again failed to do the right thing.
I know that I shouldn't count on her ever appearing in my life ever again, but at the same time I've already been through enough crazy stuff in my life that I know better than to say "never" to the possibility, however remote it may be. Even though I may have moved on from her doesn't mean that there isn't still a huge place in my heart for her, and it doesn't mean that it no longer hurts to think about her, to remember what a good thing I had with her, and to castigate myself for spoiling that for no good reason. I guess on days like my birthday, when I tend to be even more contemplative than usual, it's just harder to avoid thinking about her and hurting from doing so.
Yeah, sorry I can't be cheerful right now.
copyright © 2008 Sean Shannon