posted 2006/06/20 at 13:51
Yesterday in the early evening I started feeling super-tired, so tired that I thought I might actually go to sleep before sundown. Somehow I didn't end up going to sleep until five in the morning. I honestly don't know how much I've been sleeping or haven't been sleeping lately, but it probably hasn't been enough.
Now I'm going through that old dilemma of when it should feel right to go about my normal activities. The night Rowan died, I had to fix myself dinner (even though I had no appetite I had terrible hunger pains, and those combined with the sinking feeling in my stomach made me too much of a fainting risk), and even that somehow didn't feel right. I chatted with a couple of my closest friends on instant messenger last night, and that made me feel better but then I wondered, do I have a right to feel better now? Shouldn't I still be in mourning?
When did it become okay to go on after Alex died? When did it become okay to go on after my grandparents started passing away?
The worst part is that I know, this whole family knows that Rowan wouldn't want us to be sad for her, especially since she pretty much picked Skooter out as her replacement (and Skooter will finally get moved into the main house here soon). That doesn't mean we don't miss Rowan terribly, though. That doesn't mean the pain of missing her doesn't hurt like a motherfucker.
I've been through this before, so I should know the answers, but so help me I can't figure this out for the life of me. Can anyone help?
By the way, b/c I know this won't get published, I'm Slim Pickins from your message board.
There really is no hard and fast for mourning. Why could someone get over a relative passing in a short amount of time, but a virtual stranger, such as an actor dying, would send them into a depressive tailspin for months.
I'd say run with the joyful release. She'd have wanted it that way. And who knows, you might end up morning her passing later on in a more meaningful way.
copyright © 2008 Sean Shannon