posted 2005/12/02 at 15:17
I just got out of another meeting with my counselor, and were it not for all of the end-of-semester work on my plate right now, I'd probably be scheduling more regular sessions with her after all that's happened recently.
My counselor and I continued to discuss issues relating to my social development (or more importantly, my lack thereof). Between all of my social problems growing up that I mentioned last time, as well as what few opportunities I've had since coming to UT (even my time in Spectrum only really half-counts since I was President of the group for about half the time I was part of it, limiting my ability to interact socially with people), she and I came to the conclusion that socially I am maybe ten years old, if even that, and that I'm tending to think about issues like friendship and such as a ten-year-old.
Looking at things this way, it's become easier for me to see why I've been receiving some of the negative reactions I've been getting from people lately. I may have the body (and age) of someone well into adulthood, but I don't have the experiences needed to really approach friendships and such as an adult, and that, combined with other factors (namely my being transsexual), has really put me at a disadvantage in terms of being able to socialize with people.
As my counselor told me, this is not something that I'm going to be able to get over in a day, or even in a year. This is something that's going to take quite a long time for me to correct, and along the way I'm probably going to have even more missteps like the ones I've been having recently. I know that I need to give myself some patience with this -- even if people who don't know about my social problems won't know about the things I'm going through -- but damn, it hurts so much right now that I don't even know if I can make any steps without fear of things becoming even worse than they are now, and I don't think I could stand it if things got worse right now, especially with the holiday season coming up right now and the whole world becoming inundated with the images of friendship and companionship and happiness that I don't have in my life right now.
copyright © 2008 Sean Shannon