posted 2005/11/30 at 17:06
Coming out of the library here on campus just a little while ago, I saw the woman I had a crush on near the start of the year (if any of you remember that). I don't know whether or not she saw me, but when I saw her I just couldn't bring myself to say hi to her.
All the things I've been discussing with my counselor lately about how I handle interpersonal relationships, as well as other recent events, have made me so hesitant to "reach out" to other people -- even people I consider friends -- that I just feel totally shut down. No matter what approach I take with people, it seems to backfire on me, and that makes me feel scared when I even think about initiating anything with other people.
I know that there's something called social anxiety disorder, and I probably have some form of that. More importantly, though, I think I have, for lack of a better phrase, a kind of social dysfunction. Between not having any real friends for the nine years I went to that private school, spending so many years between school just basically dividing my time between home and work and having no real social life, and then having the Spectrum situation implode on me like it did, I just feel like I don't really know how to be sociable with people. The worst part is that it feels like the people who I do try to be sociable with don't understand that I really don't have the kind of social literacy that they have, and so even among my friends I feel wholly misunderstood.
This isn't exactly something that medication can take care of, either. Medication may be able to distract me from the overwhelming feelings of loneliness I've been having lately, but they won't treat the underlying cause of my loneliness: my inability to really communicate with people, friends or otherwise, in a way that helps me make friends and feel less alone. I know that the only real solution I have to this problem is to just put myself out there and take some risks in getting to know new people, but it seems like every time I do that I just get burned, and I have enough problems to deal with right now without adding rejection upon humiliating rejection on top of that.
I swear, if I weren't in a busy computer lab right now I'd be crying as I write this.
copyright © 2008 Sean Shannon