posted 2005/09/17 at 15:33
Yesterday I had a chance to talk to my counselor again about all the problems I've been going through lately. I guess if there's one theme that's pervading my life lately, it's the theme of loss. Clearly there are enough obvious examples of that in my life right now (my grandmother's failing health, the cancer scare with Spyder, Rowan being so old), but there are other things that fall into the category of "loss" as well. Not being a part of Spectrum anymore makes that a loss for me, and it's a particularly painful one considering how big a part of my life Spectrum was for so long there. These past few Thursday nights have been real rough on me to say the least.
Given that I really haven't been able to find any sources of support on campus -- I don't think it'll be worth the trouble to try to restart Un/Gagged at this point -- this has all left me feeling very alone, and very confused. I apologize if I've annoyed any of you with my constant requests for conversation here, but I've got a lot on my mind right now, and apart from my biweekly visits with my counselor I don't really have anyone to talk to. I hope to get a replacement for my cell phone here today, so that I can start calling people to talk to here soon.
There's something else I wanted to say, too. I've been meaning to say this for quite some time, actually, but it's not the kind of thing that's easy for me, as a transsexual woman, to say. Some people may read what I have to say and think less of me, or think me less of a woman, but I just can't hold it in any longer ...
I'm so fucking horny right now I can't stand it.
Seriously, I haven't even had as much as a romantic kiss in over a year, and it's been equally as long a period of time since I've had anyone to do BDSM with. Yeah, I know better than anyone that the discrepancy between my identified gender and my body gender makes it hard for people to think about sexual relations with me -- even within the GLBT community I've run into lots of shit about that -- but damn it, I have needs too, and they're not being met, and that's driving me fucking berzerk.
Sorry, but I had to say it.
copyright © 2008 Sean Shannon