posted 2005/08/03 at 19:58
I finally spoke to the folks about all that had happened recently with them locking me out of the house four times in a row, plus all the other slights that have happened lately. There was always a part of me that knew that this was just an exceptional run of bad luck on my part, but still, when these things keep happening in spite of me raising a stink about the earlier, it makes you think that there's something more going on than that. Hopefully these next few days I'll see whether or not things get better here.
Earlier I think I mentioned that after all the problems I had a couple of weeks ago, I did some freewriting that helped me to identify some of the underlying psychological problems triggering my compulsions to always be serious and not have any fun in my life. Although it'll still be a few weeks here before I can get professional help on this matter, I've still been digging down, trying to uncover the problem as best I can. One thing I've realized, that really plays into what's been going on with my family, is that I'm just obsessed with maintaining this image of me being this ultra-nice person, and as a result I tend to let people use me, for lack of a better word, as a doormat. I need to get better at asserting myself here, even if I stop being this perfect little angel in some people's eyes.
Anyway, I've got other issues I'm dealing with here, especially as I draw closer to the start of school. I've got mixed feelings about beginning my new role as a teacher -- after all the reading I've been doing I think I've got some great ideas for making my class effective, but at the same time I'm still a bit nervous that I could screw things up -- but I've still got a lot of lingering anger over the whole Spectrum situation that's beginning to resurface here. When I go back to campus in a few weeks, I'm going to be back in a situation where I have no real social support net on campus, and unless I manage to get Un/Gagged back off the ground, I won't even have any hope of making new friends on campus. I'm incredibly angry at the people who have put me in this situation, but at the same time there's not a fucking thing I can do about it, so getting angry just feels like a big waste.
On the subject of this being August and all, you're probably going to notice a certain lack of messages that I normally send out this month. I can't say too much about that, but I'm in the process of moving past a part of my life here, a part that will be more painful to lose than almost anything I've ever done before. Penny/Christina/Milena: If you're reading this, sometime over these next two weeks I could use some advice on constructing a ritual.
copyright © 2008 Sean Shannon