posted 2005/06/16 at 18:11
Less than twenty-four hours to go before my brother-in-law's parents are out of this house for good. (Or at least a real good while.) Can I hold on?
I think if there's one word to describe how I'm feeling right now, it's "bratty." I just want to shut off the whole rest of the world and take some serious me-time here. If I weren't so sick of being in this house, I probably wouldn't even leave here once Mark's parents are gone. I'd just shut myself up in my room here and relish the ability to have my time as my own to do with as I please again.
I've had a lot of conflicting feelings about having Mark's parents here, but one of the ones I've been more conscious of recently is fear about my own behaviour. I mean, let's face it, I am a pretty "rude American," and I've really had to watch myself around Mark's parents here to make sure I don't say or do something that would offend their British sensibilities. I guess I kind of felt the same way a few years ago when a koto group came to Toledo from Japan and I helped with their performances and such. (Only then I was anxious as all fuck because I'd only had a year of Japanese at that point and could only construct the simplest of sentences.)
Even when I'm IMing Christina or e-mailing Penny, I find myself incredibly nervous, hesitant to say all that much because I'm worried about something I say being interpreted the wrong way. Christina and Penny are probably the two people in my life I trust the most right now, and I still feel this way. Certainly there have been recent episodes in my life that have forced me to be more cautious about the things I say, but that thread's been running through most of my life. I think I may know one of the reasons behind that, but going into detail on that would probably take a whole column somewhere to sort out.
For now I need to go back to things here at the house. Hopefully I won't bust a valve here for the next day, and then I'll be able to go off somewhere and really cut loose.
copyright © 2008 Sean Shannon