posted 2005/06/23 at 17:22
You know, right after I made that last post, I re-read it and couldn't believe most of what I'd written. If I could apply that kind of energy to my political stuff and not comparably insignificant stuff like basketball, who knows how much I might actually get done here?
Anyway, I'm sure some of you are wondering why I made that big thank you-laden post to Christina and Milena a couple of days ago. I hope they don't mind me mentioning this on here, but they sent me a "care package" with all sorts of wonderful self-pampering things in it. Christina and I seem to really sense each other's emotional states really well, and I think she could see just how bad that whole period of Mark's parents being here was for me. (It was even worse than I let on here, to be honest.)
For a couple of days, that package had me feeling good. Not just my usual "absence of pain" good, either, but actually feeling all right with myself. Sometime yesterday, though, it all came crashing in on me.
My guess is that it's the same self-esteem problems I've had throughout my life (that I haven't had anyone to help me treat for nearly a year now), but I just can't help but feel that I really don't deserve nice things, from Christina and Milena, from my friends, from life in general. Especially given what happened with school stuff this past year, whenever I think of how good of a friend I have in Christina or Milena (or Penny or Jessi or Don B. and so on), I can't help but wonder, "Okay, now how am I going to fuck this friendship up?"
I guess the whole gift-giving thing took on an added dimension earlier today that has me really confused, thinking about both the person I currently have "an interest" in as well as the person before that. I really can't go into details about that in public, but these people both know who they are and they can e-mail me if they want further details.
Anyway, enough of the pity party here. I'm gonna go to the arcade here, and hopefully I can DDR my troubles away at least for a little while.
copyright © 2008 Sean Shannon