posted 2005/04/28 at 00:44
Driving to and from Bowling Green tonight gave me some peace and quiet so I could put the events of the past week into perspective.
Basically I realize that I shouldn't have said the things I said this past week about Spectrum, especially the accusations I made. I apologize for that.
All I can say is that I really didn't know who to turn to. This past year I've felt more and more alienated from Spectrum, and the one person in the group who I felt I could still talk to is currently taking twenty-four credit hours plus working two jobs so he can graduate this semester and go study in Indonesia for the next year. When he's not around at a meeting, more often than not I wind up sitting in a corner by myself, listening around to find if anyone is participating in any kind of conversation that I have any frame of reference to. Like I keep saying, it's hard to make a connection with people when I'm here listening to David Lanz and Schubert and all anyone else wants to talk about is Green Day.
I think things got worse after my trip to Cincinnati, because I went down there, and in one day I forged more of a bond with Christina and Milena and Penny than I'd ever formed with all but maybe one or two members of Spectrum. I wish I could say it was an age thing since they're all closer in age to me than anyone in Spectrum, but I've had these kinds of problems ever since high school. I think back to my lunch in Cincinatti and I can't help but wonder, "Why can't I find friends like that in Spectrum?"
Christina and Milena have a family to raise, and Penny's swamped with work and classes, so I didn't feel comfortable imposing on them by phoning them up. Without anyone I felt was here and ready to listen to me, I came on here to emote. I mean, it's what I do. I can talk about my writing skills and all my other qualities, but if there's one thing the .org has become famous for these past four and a half years, it's for me coming on here and being so honest and open (and yes, whiny) about all the things in my life that depress me. Hell, it was even going on in the pre-.org days back when I was writing to a community that was possibly the least receptive of all to that kind of writing.
I know that even some of my friends who read the .org on a regular basis don't understand this need I have to write about this stuff. If people want to label me as "emo," then fine, I'm emo. All I know is that all of this stuff happens to me, and if I don't let it out then I begin to suffer both emotionally and physically because of it. I used to have my fiction and my poetry to let out some of those feelings, but ever since the experiences I had as a creative writing student back in undergrad, I've barely been able to write at all.
I'm not going to apologize for saying that I think Spectrum is in a weaker position right now than it was last year, because I believe it is. All I can say is that with all the hell I've gone through this past year, one of the few bright spots I saw was the opportunity to get back into power in Spectrum, get the group back on track, and at least be in a position where the members had to talk to me occasionally. Last Thursday I saw that opportunity vanish before me, before I even had time to interpret what happened, and that not only was I not going to be back in a position of power in Spectrum next month, but I was in a position where I wasn't even sure I could keep coming back to Spectrum. All of those silly thoughts I had last month about moving to Southwest Ohio suddenly became serious.
I wish I knew how all this was going to end. I know I've pissed some people off, and it's going to take a lot more than an apology to restore the bonds of trust that were once there. I guess all I can do is just go on with the plans for Spectrum these next few months, and if I do get to a point where I was about five years ago where I realize that I'm in a bad situation with Spectrum, that I'll just have to move on, even if I don't know where to go.
Now if you'll excuse me, I think I have some more crying to do.
copyright © 2008 Sean Shannon