posted 2003/01/25 at 01:07
I think I've finally come to terms with the fact that I can never, ever be happy. I don't mean happy like all those overly enthusiastic people you always seem to run into like bad pennies, or the false happiness of drugs. I mean just being able, if only in rare instances, to be able to sit back and actually feel something apart from total and complete despair. I'll never be able to do that. Never.
When it comes down to it, people are just going to hurt you too much for you to really enjoy life. Maybe they do it out of malice. Maybe they do it because it makes them feel better about themselves. Maybe they just do it because they're bored and have nothing better to do. But they do it, and no matter how much it pains you, no matter how hard it makes your sleep, no matter what thoughts enter your head, no one's going to do anything to stop it. Not even the people who purport to be your friends.
I mean, it's like a couple of kids torturing an ant on a hot summer day, isn't it? First the kids tear the ant's legs off, then they puddle water around the ant to make it start drowning, and then finally they pull out the magnifying glass, focus a sunbeam on what is left of the ant's carcass, and incinerate it. And does anyone stop the kids from torturing the ant? If anything, they gather round and laugh at the spectacle. Watching someone else get tortured is always much more fun than trying to stop the torture.
Believe me, that magnifying glass has been over my head for too long now. I don't even know what inside me has propelled me to survive this long, but it's not going to hold out much longer. And when that's gone, what's going to be left of me but a burnt-out shell? And how many people are so amused by the fact that I am in total and complete agony and no one is going to do anything about it?
I can't take this anymore.
copyright © 2008 Sean Shannon